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It Is You I Have Loved

© My Anh Nguyen 2005

Time waits for no one but the heart does…

There wasn’t a soul that she could glance upon whilst sitting on the bench beneath the maple tree. Taking in a deep breath she exhaled into her cool hands hoping to warm them up just a bit more. Her honey brown eyes gazed up observing the leaves that were making their way down to the taintless snow of the morning dew. One leaf landed beside her hand, rested on the seat. Melancholy, she stared at it and unconsciously swung her legs slowly. Without her knowing, a figure sat down besides her, clasping his hands together and stared straight ahead.

He’s a wise man for all of his life but it only took a heart beat for him to become a fool…

Giving sideways fleeting looks he caught a glimpse of her long brunette velvet hair. He gradually inhaled in the morning air with a hint of her fresh strawberry shampoo scent. Moments akin to this, he knew too well it won’t last for all eternity because he has learnt since young that anything beautiful in this world will be taken away from you. Consequently, he was correct.

“What are you doing here days before Christmas?”

“Then what are you doing here?” He questioned already knowing the answer, but he doesn’t know why he still does it every year.

“You are strange Louis,” she chuckled and swung her legs faster.

Louis Koo raised an eye brow and responded, “And you’re not for sitting here at five in the morning? Jess, you are the abnormal one.” Her eyes lightened at his reply and he knew something had crossed her mind. That other man, he assumed. “Did you just arrive?”

She nodded and heaved a deep sigh causing fogs to appear from within her mouth. Jessica Hsuan knew what she was doing was useless, but she had always been a hopeful person. If she doesn’t hang on and continue to live on the tiny spark of hope left in her heart, she wouldn’t know what to do or where to go. Without him she led a path with no definite direction.

“How many years have you waited here already?” He wanted to scream that inquiry out but what was holding him back? Perhaps the fact that he was a nobody to her? There wasn’t an ounce of space in her heart that belonged to him, as it was all occupied by the other man.

Jessica remained silent for a while and finally replied by shrugging her shoulders. She doesn’t want to count how many years, months or days she’s waited for him. Counting the falling of the leaves, she preferred more.

But not Louis; Louis remembered very clearly how long she had waited for the man that left her six years ago. He was Jessica’s first true love and she was so persistent in keeping him as her last she wasted her youth lingering after him. Louis put a spare coat over Jessica’s shoulder as he would have done every year here. She would say thank you with a small smile and continue with her trance of the past.

She wishes she could grasp the sand of time in the palm of her hands, so then, the birds of heaven can sing to her once again…

She’s been here many times before that the baker opposite the road knew her and would wave every time he opens the bakery. What was she doing there every Christmas year, they all would wonder and pester about. She would smile sweetly and continue her waiting for the man that taught her the essences of being alive. Daniel Chan. With him, she felt everything; jealousy, yearning, lust, love, anger, resentment, sorrow and desire. No one had ever caused her to feel all of the above, but solely Daniel. He touched her in every way.

If anyone was to ask her how much she loves him, she would tell them as much as the droplets of rain. Her heart still beats his name and her mind yet again replays his presence when they were together. It was akin to never ending nightmares, but hers were of a bittersweet symphony. She would always pray to the God above to give her strength to continue with this anticipation.

Unexpectedly a soft gust of wind blew pass her and she shivered, prickling the hair on the back of her neck to stand on its end. Out of the blue she swore she felt Daniel’s arms around her to keep her warm like he always used to do. Swiftly, she turned around, heart racing, yet there was nothing but thin air. Her eyes became blurry and gradually it stung. No, she cannot cry. Not now. If she cries now her heart would be weak and she would give up.

Without realizing it, she forgot his existence beside her. However, he remained solemn watching her eyes that lead to his universe…

Once the antique clock stroke midnight Jessica jolted from her bed, slipping into her red slippers. She switched on the light to the kitchen and glanced upon the table, which was displayed with dishes of meals she cooked the day before. They were all cold she already knew, they were untouched, that was without a doubt. Her eyes became cloudy and the pupil showed now sign of life and the enthusiasm of celebrating the Christmas Eve occasion. Jessica situated herself on one of the chair that was around the rounded table.

The clock stroke one o’clock.

Two o’clock.

Little by little her eyelashes flattered and she dozed off to slumber. Jessica doesn’t know the being of a solitary tear trickling down at the side of her eyes but he saw it. He felt it too… Nevertheless he cannot do anything about the woe she owned. Louis couldn’t carry her back onto her bed because he didn’t want her to know that every Christmas he also would come here to wait for her. For this reason, he settled on watching her sleep for just this brief moment.

A fleeting kiss.

A momentary gaze.

Soon he was gone and as her lips slowly curled up in a smile, his were pursed tight.

Elsewhere but here and now…

As he watched her tiny frame on the bench yet again, the urge to hold her tight surged through him. He wanted to walk away fearing that he could not contain his own emotions, which were so powerful that he felt as though it break him. Break him into pieces of love for her. Why did he have to be present here behind this tree to silently observe her? He would give anything to anyone or force that was able to haul him out of this position. Far away, from the object of his endless passion that tortured him every night whenever her features made its way into his head.

Louis wished, prayed, hoped and begged to be anywhere right now. Even if it meant for him to be in another time period, that was how afraid he was, and normally he was fearless. She came along and changed everything, he wanted to hate her but that would hurt him to no end.

Her eyes darted around the vicinity for any sign of Daniel and people looked at her with questions in their eyes.

“Why would a pretty lady like that sit alone on Christmas day?” They would perhaps wonder.

The snow began to fall and she gazed up causing a few to cover her eye lashes. She wiped them off along with tears she never knew was even present. Once more she inhaled deeply and brushed away the tears forcing on a smile toward on-lookers. Jessica fixed her eyes on a couple holding hands, with a young girl on the man’s shoulders. She couldn’t help but smile to herself, picturing the three as her and Daniel. Steadily they advanced toward her and Jessica froze. It was truly Daniel, but the person he was gazing lovingly at wasn’t her. It was another.

No, maybe her eyes were completely blurry from the snow. That must be it! As they passed her by he looked at her in a slight recognition but it quickly vanished. All she can see now was whiteness; all she can hear now was nothingness. Those eyes that used to look at her deeply, filled with emotions are now replaced with barrenness. Arms that she felt so protected in were nothing but distant stars that she could never feel embracing her ever again. The shoulders in which she rested her head on were now burden by others.

Daniel will never return now, he had moved on and loved another. They were nothing but strangers…

Time slipped by except he remained unvarying where he wanted to belong…

Louis chewed on a newly baked loaf of bread enjoying the soft scent of its aroma. For four years now he had the opportunity to enjoy the simple things in life that he never had the chance to. Work was always busy for him and he’s forever on the move. Conversely, it was Christmas again and he took two weeks off from work to wait for her. After that fateful day when she found out the love of her life was married and had a family, she was devastated and moved to another country. With a simple letter to his secretary stating she thanked him for all he had done for her and to take great care of his health. With that she left and didn’t leave any contact for him to reach her.

Who was he kidding? Even if they did keep in contact she would never look his way. She was everything that he cannot have. Possibly it’s true when people tell him that what you cannot have will at all times remain your obsession. Can lust be this fanatical? He continually questioned himself. The baker opposite the road waved at him and he waved back. Soon he was trapped back into his reverie of her. His mind traced back to ten years ago the first time they met in his office. She was merely twenty years old applying for market researcher and him four years above hers, the senior manager.

Images of them working together till the next morning and the concise conversations they had, slowly everything led to him falling for her, till he fell so bottomless that he couldn’t get out of it. Sitting there he browsed at the people walking by and the cars driving pass. It was pleasant to inhale some fresh air and as he did it, he closed his eyes for a second.

You are the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be…

She beamed at the baker before pulling her coat together as the chill of the weather was increasing. Taking a loaf of bread in one hand and giving the man the payment in the other, she took a bite from it instantly. It’s been so long since she tasted his bread and for a quick moment she grasped the fact of how much she missed this place whilst she was absent. Jessica’s eyes scanned her surrounding to spot out any difference but everything seemed the same as she had left it four years ago.

Somehow she decided to cross the road toward the place she would always sit before waiting for that man. Now it didn’t hurt as much when she thought about him. Years of traveling had opened up her eyes and she saw the bigger picture in life. There was so much to look forward to and she wasted five years hanging onto what was not meant to be hers from the beginning.

Jessica saw a figure sitting right in the middle of the bench that she always claimed as hers, eyes closed and looking up toward the pale blue sky that was pouring snow. She gasped when she saw who it was. “What was Louis doing sitting here this time of the morning with snow falling like this?” She questioned her inner mind.

She stepped closer toward him and didn’t know should she make her presence clear. Without further adieu he opened his eyes quickly as he took in her scent. If he was dreaming, then he for the first time in his life, he thanked the Lord for it. She was standing right before his eyes looking at him with a hint of confusion but also a greeting smile.

He smiled blissfully. Suddenly her perplexity increased.

There was something that she saw in the way he looked at her.

There was a smile; there was truth in his eyes. But in an unexpected way, on this unexpected day. Could it mean this was where she belongs? It was no more mystery, it was finally clear to her. He was the home her heart searched for so long. Over and over she was filled with emotion, his love, it rushed through her veins. As she was filled with the sweetest devotion, as she looked into his perfect face. Now she knew just who he was and she knew he held her heart.

Finally this was where she belongs.

At last the angels of Christmas aren’t turning their back on them this time. They both smiled at one another, though they have never touched, their hearts already have.

Time waits for nobody but their heart did, for one another…

——-

© Acknowledgements

“There is something… Finally this is where she belongs” Sung by Dana Glover, titled ‘It Is You’ from the movie Shrek. Made minor changes to the song to fit in with the story.