Coming Home
© Ak 2007
Chapter 5
Louis placed his hand on her door before she could close it shut. “Don’t lock yourself in.” he began. “Let me go through it with you just like you have done for me.” he added in a soft but firm voice.
Jessica looked up at him. They stood looking at each other for a long while. She opened and closed her mouth a couple of times. The words were lost in her throat. He watched her patiently.
“Why don’t you come over my place? We can talk over some drinks.” he finally broke the silence and held out the bottle of wine. He placed his other hand over hers, which was still on the door knob, and curled his fingers over it. He then led her out from her apartment, her refuge.
He brought her over to the sofa and sat her down. He fetched two wine glasses and settled beside her soon. He poured the drinks and passed a glass to her. She took a sip and placed the glass on the table.
“What had happened between you and that woman?” Louis asked.
“Nothing.” Jessica replied simply.
“Don’t “nothing” me, Jessica. I have seen how you had stood up for what you think was right. So, why do you let her insult you and not retaliate?”
“Because I was in the wrong.” she answered immediately in her heart but she continued to keep quiet.
“Jessica, you can tell me what had happened. Let me listen to you just as you had listened to me.” Louis pressed on. “You don’t have to carry this burden by yourself.”
“I …” Jessica started but could not continue. Then, he clasped his hands over hers like she did before. She looked at him and whispered, “You will despise me if you know.”
“Tell me and let me judge for myself then.” he encouraged her further in a softer tone.
“I had an affair with her husband. I’m a slut just like what she had called me.” she stated brutally. She looked at Louis and was expecting his admonition. She was ready to face his disgust. Instead, he just clasped his hands tighter and looked at her gently.
“Tell me more.” he probed.
She looked at Louis more intently, and then dropped her glance. “He was one of my business associates. I didn’t know he is married. I swear I didn’t know.” She gave him a pleading look.
“I believe you.” he said. And, it meant so much to her.
“I was so desperate to have a man. The tell-tales signs were all there, yet I chose not to see them. I have been writing about these signs in my magazines for years but I’m so blind not to see them when they happened to me.” she admonished herself. “He was seldom available during weekends. We could only meet for lunches or some evenings. He was always the one who decided when and where to meet. I had never been to his place before.”
“I must be so man-crazy that I readily gone to bed with him. I even brought him to my house. I was just like a whore.” she said harshly. “Even a whore does it for money. I’m worse. I just can’t wait to be …” She could not bring herself to use the vulgar word. She had also lost control over her tears.
It pained him to hear her used such harsh words to describe herself. He knew it was not true. He had never seen her behaved or dressed indecently. He always found her modest and respectable. “This is not true. Was he your first boyfriend?” he asked.
She covered her face with her two hands and sobbed. “No, but he was the first man I thought I had a serious relationship with. Otherwise, I would never sleep with him.”
“You gave your virginity to him?” he asked without knowing why he had to ask.
She gave a nod. An instant of anger and protectiveness came over him. He had not recognised it as jealousy yet. “Bastard!” he cursed under his breath.
She just cried harder.
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to curse.” he quickly apologised.
“I deserved to be cursed at.” she replied flatly. He shook his head instinctively.
“How did you find out that he was married?” he questioned.
She recollected to him how his wife had stormed into her office one day and slapped her in front of everyone present and called her names. She was so humiliated that she had wished she could die on the spot from the shame. She had resigned the very next day. She could not go back to her office knowing the gossips which were going behind her back. Fortunately, she had worked long enough with her boss that the latter offered her a freelance position so that she could work away from the office.
“I was afraid to see anyone I know. I was afraid of their judgement.” she said shakily. She raised her eyes slightly to look out for Louis’ expression.
“It’s over now, Jessie.” he said reassuringly to her. His eyes shone softly at her.
She closed her eyes and continued, “It is not over yet.” She knew she had to get this out of her chest, especially after she had already told him so much.
He was shocked that was not the end of it.
“I was pregnant with his baby and I aborted him when I found out he was married.” She buried her face onto his chest. She had accidentally knocked over her glass and the red liquid stained the carpet.
There was no sound coming from her crying and it broke his heart. He knew how much it must have hurt her to go through that. He saw how much she had loved his children, how much more would she have loved her own. A tear trickled down his cheek at this thought. He held her close and tight.
“Why didn’t you keep the baby?” he asked ever so gently to her.
She trembled harder before she swallowed hard and replied, “I don’t want the child to be like me.” She slowly removed herself from his hold.
He was further taken aback by her revelation. “What do you mean?”
“I was an illegitimate child.” she said with difficulty. “I never knew about it until I was eleven. When my father died.” She took a deep breathe before continuing. “It was only when I had to attend his funeral that I found out that he had another family and my mother was his mistress.”
“I always thought that I was his princess because he called me that. But I turned out to be a …” she could not find a word to describe herself and she let out a sob. She subconsciously raised her hand over her left cheek as she recalled the slap she had received from her father’s legal wife. That was the first slap she had ever received. His family had refused to let her and her mother attend his funeral. They had to quietly visit his grave after the funeral was over. She remembered her mother weeping at his grave.
Somehow, she could never forgive her mother for permitting herself to become someone’s mistress and allowing her to be humiliated as an illegitimate child. Although her father had included her and her mother in his will, she had refused to use his money. She determined to prove her own self-worth. She had studied and worked very hard to fund her own education. She even won scholarships for her overseas studies.
When she returned, she joined a large publishing house and she worked her way up to become an editor. She had dated in-between but she had broken up with her boyfriends because of her career. She had worked very hard to prove herself, even when she was already doing very well. She did not know what she was working for anymore.
“It’s in my blood. I was born a slut, a vixen, a husband-snatcher, a marriage-breaker just like my mother.” she said with bitterness. “I have been trying so hard not to become what they called me. But …” she sobbed even harder.
“But I turned out to be just what they had predicted.” she finished her sentence with difficulty. She had cried so hard that she was having difficulties breathing. Louis gently smoothed her back.
“It’s not true. You are great person, Jessica. You have a big heart. You are just too trusting.” Louis comforted her. His heart felt as if it was stabbed when she used those harsh words on herself.
“He was a bastard to make use of you. He was a coward not to own up to his error and responsibility.”
He surprised her by putting his arm over her shoulders and pulled her close to him. She shuddered at his touch. He then stroked the side of her head with his other hand. She slowly relaxed and leaned against his shoulder for support.
Jessica had fallen asleep in Louis’ embrace. He looked at her sleeping form and took a sip of his wine. He remembered the poem “A Drinking Song” from Yeats.
Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye;
That’s all we shall know for truth
Before we grow old and die.
I lift the glass to my mouth,
I look at you, and I sigh.
Yes, he had the love of his life before him. He knew in his heart that he had more than sympathy for her. He admired and loved her. He let out a long sigh.
As dawn began to break, Jessica roused from her sleep. She felt warm and comforted. When she realised she was sleeping in Louis’ arms, she was stunned and embarrassed.
“You have woken up?” he said softly over her head.
Her heart jumped at his voice and she quickly sat up, removing herself from him. “I’m sorry.” she said bashfully.
“Feeling better now?” he asked.
“Yes, much better. Thank you.” she answered without looking at him. Then, she spotted the wine stain on the carpet. “I’m sorry. I will send your carpet for cleaning.” She pointed at the stain.
“It’s ok. We will just buy another one. You can help to pick one for me.” he replied good-naturedly.
“Ouch!”
She finally looked up at him when she heard his exclamation of pain. He was trying to move his arm. It was numb after being slept upon for the whole night. She moved forward to give his arm a rub to loosen the muscles. “Sorry.” she said again.
“Enough of your apologies. It’s so unlike you” he said teasingly.
“Do you mean I’m always rude?” she asked him back, looking at him.
“No, just domineering and dictatorial.” he chaffed her.
“Just joking.” he added when she held on to her serious expression.
“Yes, I know.” She finally let out a laugh and he laughed with her.
“I’m glad you are feeling better.”
“Thanks. I better get going before the kids are up.” She got up to leave.
“Will you be coming over to make your Jessie’s pancakes?” he asked as he also got up to walk her home.
“Why don’t we bring them to the park today? I think they can’t wait to try on their new bikes.”
“Good idea.”
“Okay then. I’ll prepare the picnic basket for lunch. Remember to feed them breakfast before bringing them over to my place.”
“After which, you can pick the new carpet for me.”
“All right, we have the day planned.” They had reached her place and she had opened her door. They looked at each other expectantly. When nothing happened after a while, she said her goodbye and closed the door.
Louis lingered at her door. “Was she expecting a goodbye kiss?” he asked himself.
He finally returned to his apartment to catch a few winks before his kids got up.
Meanwhile, she had a warm shower but her heart was feeling even warmer. She indeed had a peaceful sleep; he had after all spent the night watching over her. The feeling was so sweet. “He is just treating you as friend. Stop having silly ideas.” she reminded herself as she turned off the tap.
She proceeded to her kitchen. She boiled some water and dipped the slices of ham into it to cleanse them. She then left the ham to cool. She proceeded to fry some eggs and left them to cool too. Then she sliced the cucumbers, tomatoes and lettuces. She knew that the kids did not like vegetables in their sandwiches, so she prepared a separate set for them. She then took out some apples and grapes to substitute them as their vegetable intake.
By the time Louis had arrived with the kids, the picnic basket was filled and there was even a water cooler full of lemonade.
They spent the day at the park. Louis had truly enjoyed his children’s company for the first time in his life. It wasn’t an obligation to play with them, or a chore to entertain them. They were keeping each other company. Occasionally, he would glance at the woman who had made such a difference in his life. Her smiles and laughter filled his heart with happiness.
The kids, especially Alex, had enjoyed the time with their father too. They liked this daddy before them – he was fun and happy. He laughed with them. He did not snap at them. They loved having Auntie Jessie with them too.
Louis had taught Alex how to ride his bike while Jessica pushed Ashley in her tricycle and played in the sandbox with her.
They had their picnic lunch and proceeded to shop for a new carpet. Jessica had chosen a lilac carpet with white borders to match Louis’ sofa and coffee table. This was her first touch for his apartment.
Weeks had passed and they never mentioned about Jessica’s past again.
Jessica had created a lot of opportunities for Louis and Alex to bond together. She had got them to play ball, go cycling and even bathe together. Alex now looked forward to have Louis home every evening.
Meanwhile, Ashley had glued herself to Jessica. She insisted on having her hair tied by Jessica before she was sent to the childcare centre every day. Jessica had to give her a goodnight kiss every night. She had also become chatty with Jessica. She would even pick her own clothes when Jessica dressed her. She no longer followed Alex around.
Jessica and Louis continued to tease and throw harmless sarcasms at each other, but their mutual affections were also growing. Jessica had often stopped working to listen to the wind chime in her study and thought of Louis; while he would find excuses to call her during day, such as to ask what was for dinner and whether she needed him to pick up anything on his way home. They lingered longer and longer each night in front of her door, yet both of them did not express their feelings for the other.
This was one of the usual weekends that they spent at home again.
Jessica stood at the door watching the father-and-son pair “wrestled” on the bed. Their laughter could be heard in the midst of Alex’s screams. A smile spread over her face. She finally called out, “Are you guys coming for lunch? Otherwise, I will just share the honeyed chicken wings with Ashley.”
Louis and Alex stopped immediately and ran to the dining table. Jessica shook her head at them. No one would believe if someone said that Alex was not Louis’ son – both of them were so alike. Not just in looks, but also in mannerisms and tastes. The honeyed chicken wings were one of their favourite dishes.
They gathered at the coffee table after lunch and Jessica caught Alex scratching him arm. She held his arm and saw a blister on it. Then, she spotted more blisters on his other arm. “Are they itchy?” she asked him.
“Yes, a little. They are fun to play with. There is water in them.” Alex replied innocently to Jessica, but she was worried.
She then searched Ashley’s body for similar blisters and she found some on her legs.
“I think they have chickenpox, Louis.” she said worriedly.
“Let me have a look.” He replied and examined his kids. “Let’s bring them to doctor immediately.”
It turned out that not only Alex and Ashley were infected with chickenpox, Louis too.
Jessica had three patients on hand. Both Alex and Ashley were suffering from the itchiness so she had to constantly apply the anti-itch lotion on them. They were generally still manageable as they would often sleep for an hour or two after their medication. “Don’t scratch the blisters or they will break and form scars. Then, you will look ugly.” She would warn the kids.
Occasionally, she would need to rock Ashley to sleep when the latter was feeling terribly uncomfortable and she could only express herself by crying. Alex, as usual, had taken care of himself. When he was really uncomfortable, he would just snuggle close to Jessica and Louis. Jessica would give him a few pats and some drinks as encouragement when she noticed his actions.
Louis was the one who caused Jessica to worry the most. His fever came that night after they visited the doctor and he was suffering from body aches. She spent the whole night wetting him to bring down his temperature. He was mumbling incoherently in his sleep. In his semi-consciousness, he was aware of her presence.
After a week, the kids were recovering fast. Some of their blisters had dried up and formed crusts. These crusts were beginning to fall off. Louis was still lying in bed. His temperature was gone but his body aches still persisted.
“Sorry, Boss. I really can’t deliver the articles these two weeks. My kids are sick. So is Louis.”
He overheard her conversation with her boss. He was touched. She had called them “my kids”. He made up his mind.
The kids and Louis soon recovered under the tender care of Jessica. He was returning to work tomorrow and he walked Jessica home that night.
As she was about to walk into her apartment, he grabbed hold of her hand and she turned around to face him.
“I love you.” he said to her and waited for her response.
She looked at him in shock. Her mind and heart began to battle.
“You do know that I love you, don’t you? Jessica.” Louis asked while looking deeply into her eyes, searching her soul for an answer. She did not reply. She gazed back into his eyes. Tears formed at the rim of her eyes.
“Jessica,” Louis continued, without losing hold of their eye contact. He held her hands in his own tightly. He did not want to lose her but he needed to give her a fair chance at choosing. “You know I would give everything I could for you, but I can’t give that one thing that you wanted most.” His voice trembled. He knew that she would understand what he meant but he wanted to leave it to no doubt. “I can’t marry you. We can’t have a legitimate child.” He finally said it all to her. He watched her face intensely for her reaction, her response.
Jessica could hear the pain and anxiety in his voice. She looked away from his face. Louis would never lie to her. He was giving her a fair chance to choose. She knew. She knew it so clearly that it hurt. She loved Louis and he had just proven that he was worthy of her love. She would give anything to be with him, be with his children. However, she did not want to follow her mother’s foot-steps; she did not want to a third-party in his marriage. She wanted to able to hold her head up high, and not in shame. Her thoughts were spinning in over-drive.
She took a look at him and she was undone. She loved this man and she could see his love for her too. She removed her right hand slowly from his grip and raised it to his left cheek. She ran her thumb along his cheekbone. Tears fell off from her eyes.
He did not remove his eyes from her. He was afraid to interpret her actions. He finally gave a sigh of relief when he saw her slight nod before she leaned forward and tilted her face upwards with her eyes closed. His hands held both sides of her face, his thumbs gently brushed her tears away and he kissed her firmly. He had to let her know he was resolved to make this relationship worked for them.
She had made her choice. She just let him love her, and she let herself love him.
