Coming Home
© Ak 2007
Chapter 3
“So we decided to get married.” Louis continued his story with a shook of his head. “We added another mistake to a mistake.”
“Things went quite well at first. We were living with my parents. Tavia was pregnant so we put up with her tantrums thinking that they were caused by her hormones changes.”
“When Alex was just born, her behaviour did change for the better. She tried to be a good mother to him. However, she soon returned to her old ways and continued to throw her tantrums. Things got worse when she started to quarrel with my mum on how to look after Alex. I was caught in between them.”
“So we moved out to live on our own. But she could not handle Alex on her own. She wanted him as a play-mate, but he was also a baby who needed to be cared for. There was once she just left Alex at home and went out of the house when she could not stop and stand his crying. Luckily, she called me and I quickly sent my mum over.”
“Then my mum started coming over to help out again. But the whole argument tournament restarted too. Tavia was constantly calling me during office hours to complain about my mum, Alex and almost everything.” Louis let out his frustration. “I could not concentrate at work and I had to rush home frequently to handle the home crises.”
“I could not keep up with work. I could not put in the extra hours that all other associates were putting in. Soon, I descended from a high-flying lawyer to one who handled minor cases and contracts. There was no more court case for me.”
“My peers are all doing well, except me.” Louis added with a punch of resentment and paused. He looked up at Jessica.
She noticed his anger, frustration and resentment. She asked softly, “Did you resent Alex for what happened to your life and career?”
“No. Never.” Louis answered quickly without a second thought. “I remember the first time I cast my eyes on Alex. I was so proud to be a father.”
“I wanted to the world’s greatest dad to him. He used to adore me. I was his hero. I really don’t know how we ended up the way we are now.” Louis said helplessly. Jessica caught him in a faraway look. He must be thinking of the happier times he had with Alex. She left him to his reverie. She sat quietly next to him. He could feel her warmth and care, and it comforted him.
Louis broke out of his reverie and looked at Jessica. She knew that this was not the time to dispense parenting advice. That could wait for another time. She gave him a little reassuring smile.
“What about Ashley?” she asked.
Louis placed his bowl on the coffee table. He drew in a deep breathe and let out a long sigh. “As if we did not have enough problems, I was idiotic enough to think that maybe Tavia would be more mature if we have a second child.” He shook his head in resignation.
“After all, she did turn for the better when we first had Alex and I wanted to experience the same pride that I once felt again.”
“She just wanted Ashley as her human-size doll. She enjoyed dressing Ashley up. But she wasn’t prepared to go through the whole baby-caring process again. Alex was almost four when Ashley was born. He was attending playschool and he could tell us what he wanted. Tavia was enjoying the little freedom she started to have and she really disliked the fact that Ashley was causing her to lose that freedom again.”
He recalled the times Tavia would say nasty things to Ashley thinking that she was too young to understand. How could he ever forget how Ashley became so quiet and timid! Tavia had screamed at the top of her voice at Ashley telling her to shut up. Even if Ashley may not understood the words “shut up” at the age of almost two, she could feel the anger and threat from her mother. He remembered Ashley staring blankly at Tavia and trembling. She was looking at him for help but he was too engrossed with getting back at Tavia to attend to Ashley. How he regretted his action, for Ashley was never the same again. She had really shut up. Her words were few and her only comfort and security was Alex.
Jessica saw the muscles at Louis’ temples and jaw tightened. He was angry. She did not understand it fully. Although he was angry with Tavia, he did not feel that there was a need to tell Jessica the details of what Tavia had done. A moment of silence came over them.
Jessica shifted slightly in her seat and asked him hesitantly, “Where is Tavia?”
“She left.” Louis simply stated. Jessica thought that was it and she about to reach for his bowl on the table when he continued. “Once Ashley was old enough to put in the childcare centre, she sent her there immediately. Then, she started working and she came back later and later until one day she did not return at all. She just left me a message to pick them up from the childcare centre after work that day.”
Tavia was supposed to have found a job as a receptionist. Initially, she would pick the kids up after work. Soon, she got Louis to pick them up. Her working hours became longer and longer, and they eventually became irregular. Her dressing had also progressively become more and more provocative. He could still recall some of the heated arguments they had over these.
“Did you tell her to leave?” Jessica questioned, as she remembered Alex accusing Louis for making Tavia went away.
“Perhaps I did when we were quarrelling but I don’t think that what I said to her ever mattered to her.” Louis replied resignedly. Tavia had just left. She did not give any reason or notice.
“You have been looking after them on your own since she left?” Jessica probed a little.
“Yes, I send them to the childcare centre early in the morning before I go to work and I pick them up after work.” Louis replied wearily.
This explained what she saw this morning. She said sympathetically to him, “It must have been tough on you.”
“Unfortunately, I think it was tougher for them. My work sometimes held me up and I was late in picking them up. Ashley always thought that I would abandon them and Alex would shout at me when I showed up late.” Louis replied dejectedly and guiltily with another sigh. How could he not felt bad when he saw his children waiting in the dimly lighted centre which was ready to close for the day? They were standing behind those gates with their hands gripping tightly at the bars, in fear that he would not come for them.
“Where are your parents?” she asked.
“Shortly after Ashley was born, my parents had moved to Australia to live with my sister. She also had a new-born baby then. I guessed the truth was that they could not stand Tavia anymore and I was too much of a disappointment to them.” Louis answered grimly.
He used to be his parents’ pride. He had always topped his cohort in his studies and sports. He studied law in a prestigious university and got his first job in one of the largest law firms. He won the very first case which he was assigned to. He was promoted every year.
“If only I have not been so conceited and impetuous when I was younger.” He said with a drain and rubbed his face with one of his palms tiredly. “I must be thinking with my dick.” He added with a mocking laugh at himself.
“Age does not necessarily mean that you’re wiser.” Jessica stated quietly. Louis could sense there was more meaning to her words, but he just kept quiet.
He may look younger than his actual age but the weariness in his spirit and soul could not be missed by her. She slowly extended her hands of friendship and clasped them over his. A deep and strong bond was formed between them with this connection.
Jessica looked at Louis and said, “Call me when you need help in picking the children up.” She did not know why she said that but it was too late to take her words back for Louis was gazing at her with such gratefulness. She finally saw a little smile on Louis’ face.
“Thanks so much for your offer, Jessica.” He said in a lighter tone.
Jessica was uncomfortable how close she had become with the Koos in just a couple of days. She had not expected it. However, there was no way she could walk away from them, not after what they had shared with her. She cared about the kids. “Perhaps this is for me to find my redemption.” she thought to herself as laid on her bed and drifted to sleep.
Louis was surprised how much he had told Jessica. He could not explain why he had felt so at ease with her to tell her what he had kept to himself for years. Was it her helpfulness? Was it because she could handle Alex? Or, was it as simple as the relaxing lavender scent from her?
After so many years, Louis could finally put aside his anger and the weariness in his heart as he went to bed. He was still physically very tired but the invisible weight of pretending that his world was working when it was not had been lifted. He had finally come to terms with his mistakes.
He slept peacefully that night. He could rebuild his relationship with his children the next day.
There were bright lights. She was lying flat. She could not get up. Her hips were wide open and she could not close them. Then, a sense of emptiness flooded over her.
Jessica jerked up from her bed. Her face was covered with perspiration and tears. She was having the same nightmare. The same dream that haunted her for almost a year. Her hands moved over her lower abdomen where her womb would be. She drew her knees close to her and hugged them. She buried her head on them and cried, like the numerous times she had done before.
The guilt and terror of the abortion had never left her. She still felt the sense of emptiness when they had sucked the foetus from her womb. She closed her eyes in pain. She had been convincing herself that was the right thing to do but she could not get over the guilt. She had a living being in her body, depending on her for food and survival, and within minutes the being was removed from her – forever and irreversible. When did one human being has so much right over another human being’s right to live?
If Louis had made mistakes in his life, she felt that she had committed worse. She no longer had feelings for the man who impregnated her. All feelings had been overridden when she removed the baby from her womb. She had only guilt and remorse now. Perhaps Alex and Ashley were sent into her life to allow her to atone for her sins.
She tried in vain to return to sleep. After hours of flipping in her bed, she took out the bottle of sleeping pills from her bed-side drawer and sought rest from it.
Just two days after her conversation with Louis, she received a call on her mobile phone.
“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to abuse your offer but I really have a meeting this evening and I’ll be late. Can you please pick Alex and Ashley up for me?” Louis tried to explain over the line.
Jessica could hear his desperateness, and she replied evenly to him, “It’s okay. I’ll pick them up for you. Just give me the address and pick-up time. I think you need to call the centre to inform them that I will be picking them up too.” She even gave a smile.
Louis expressed his heartfelt thanks repeatedly and gave her the address and time.
After she had put down her phone, she went into her kitchen and opened her refrigerator’s door. She surveyed for what were available. She began to pull out the ingredients. Then, she dragged out her pots and pans from the kitchen cabinets.
That night Louis returned home slightly past 10pm. He looked as if he had rushed home. His hair was ruffled and his tie was half-loosen. He was expecting the kids to be still up and creating havoc. He was surprised to see Jessica sitting on the sofa watching the news on the television alone when he entered his apartment.
“Where are Alex and Ashley?” he asked immediately.
“They are asleep.” she replied with a smile.
“They didn’t protest that it is too early to sleep?” he asked in astonishment.
“Not if I spent almost an hour reading to them.” she answered with a soft laugh when she saw his bewilderment.
“Do you want a bowl of soup? We still have some left.” she stood up and asked.
“You even have time to cook?” he asked in astonishment.
“Of course, if I started preparing it after putting down the phone.” She walked into the kitchen and returned with a bowl of soup. She placed it on the dining table and got ready to leave the apartment.
“Let me walk you back.” Louis said.
Although their apartments were just steps away from each other, Louis had insisted on walking Jessica back.
“Thanks for your help today.” he said to her when they reached her door.
Just before she entered her apartment, she said to him, “You did the right thing today. It is better to admit that you will be late and make alternative arrangement than for you to be late without telling them beforehand.”
Louis knew she was referring to Alex and Ashley. He gave an awkward smile and instead he received an assuring one.
“By the way, why don’t you and the kids come over for dinner from now on?” she asked ever so casually, but she could see that Louis was not very at ease with the idea.
“You can’t feed them with fast-food, instant noodles and micro-wave meals everyday. They are growing kids and they need proper nutrition.” she reasoned with him.
“That would be imposing too much on you.” he replied hesitantly.
“You can don’t eat the food if you want. But at least let me cook for the kids.” she argued with him.
“I won’t let myself starved while I allow you to feed them with your delicious cooking.” he finally let out a laugh. He had suddenly remembered their first argument and how they had first met.
She was surprised by his laugh. “Why are you laughing?”
“I realised I’m fighting less with Alex these days because I have to fight with you instead.” And, he laughed harder.
They laughed together. “Don’t you think you are going to get away free. You have to drive me for grocery shopping every week and carry the purchases.” Jessica added.
“I won’t. I’ll even pay for the groceries.” he replied with a chuckle.
“Of course, you will pay for them. I bet you are still getting a better deal. The fresh food could be cheaper than the instant food.” she stated to him.
“Since when you have become a market surveyor as well?” he teased her. It surprised both of them how much their friendship had grown in just a few days.
“Do you know that you are too kind and trusting? You could be easily taken advantage of.” he said to her gently and gazed at her.
“Yes, I was too trusting then. Am I making the same mistake again?” she asked herself.
“Hey, I’m praising you. Why do you look so lost? Are you okay?” he asked with concern. He recognised that she had a tendency of withdrawing herself temporarily from time to time.
She broke away from her thoughts and gave her eyes a blink. “I’m fine. Thanks for seeing me home. See you tomorrow for dinner.” She closed the door softly and leaned against it for a while.
He stood outside her door. He could feel that she was troubled. He was baffled how openly Jessica had accepted him and his children, yet she had kept so much to herself. In fact, he had known nothing much about her. He wondered if he would ever get to know that part of her, especially after how much he had opened up to her.
He returned to his own apartment and sat at the dining table. As he took sips of the warm chicken soup, his heart felt warm too. The soup was simple but it had been years since he had a home-made soup after his mother left for Australia.
