Are we all moving too fast in life? Are we constantly missing out on things that are passing us by?
I know I am.Yet I can’t help it.
Everyday, I want it to end faster thinking in some miraculous way if time moves rapidly I could achieve what I want.
More than often I have a battle with myself. I say, “My Anh just relax. Take your time, you don’t need to rush yourself.” After that I would go grab a book, read it and I feel a lot better. However, the next day the same problem arise. In my mind I continue to think that I’m not doing anything productive, I’m not getting anything done. I must do something, I have to run, run really fast so that I could reach toward the future I am aiming for.
But I know that the present also counts, it matters as well.
Do you ever get yourself stuck in a situation similar to this? Where you know what you should do but you can’t fix yourself, you just go on making the same error knowingly.
As I always believe, your worst enemy tends to be yourself.
Though I have to thank my nieces and nephew for being with me. Their presence reminds me to really appreciate what is currently in my life at the moment. Watching them play around, surrounding me, I often wonder how long will this last? When will they grow up and start to go out with their own friends, no longer wanting to have me with them? So I would stop trying to race with time. I would sit down, stand up, jump about and sing aloud with them–simply enjoying the moments that I’ll have them to myself.
Amazing isn’t it? Children teaches us a lot of lessons in life and I never treat them like a child. Therefore, I detest it when adults think that they have the right to control or have the better knowledge than younger children. You never know when they will turn around and say such an innocent remark that hits you right on the spot of certainty.
I’m hoping with the help of my nieces and nephew, I’ll be able to not drive myself way too fast.
I’ll pause whatever I’m doing, thinking or planning so that they wouldn’t change too rapidly until I can’t recall anything about our time together.
That’s my promise to them, the precious jewels in my life.
It has been 5 millenniums since I wrote in here but honestly you can’t blame me. Recently I had the opportunity to experience a life as a mother with a job.
This is how the story began.
My oldest sister separated from her husband thus she moved back in with my family along with her two daughters. So while I have a job, when I come home from work I have two nieces who loves to be around me. In addition, my nephew also likes to play with me. It cannot be helped, children simply love me and adults hate to love me.
Day in and day out, I’m working and caring for the children. They take my energy away and I have no strength left for anything else.
But I told myself that I’ll try to write in here more often now that things are settling in just fine.
As for my 2010 New Year Resolution, well it took a bit of effort for me to come up with one where I am pleased to have. Initially, my friends tell me it should be “find an occupation”. Though I do agree that’s a great one but somehow it doesn’t sit well with me. I feel that my resolution shouldn’t have to do with external factors but it should focus on myself and what’s inside.
My previous resolutions have been that way so I didn’t want to change the pattern. After a long weary profound thought, it came upon me.
The conclusion is that it should be: Finish what I start, especially my stories.
Perhaps it might sound lame to you because you might think, what’s so profound about that? A hem, you really don’t know how important creative writing is to me then. Writing to me is a form of freedom, it liberates and makes me feel a world of difference. Therefore I decided this year I’m going to focus on finishing my stories. My top priority will probably be my Cupid series, which I’m sure no one has heard of beside Peaceful (Amelia) but don’t worry when it’s all completed you’ll get to see it.
Hopefully I can keep to this promise.
After a week of dealing with the new changes in my life after I just returned from my short vacation to Hamilton Island, I must say it feels mighty fine to be writing again.
Personally, I would like to thank Esther (aka Autumn Leaves) for giving me a copy of Microsoft Office 2007. When I upgraded my computer to Windows 7 Ultimate, I lost my copy of the software. Oddly, I felt so very naked without my MS Office! Truly wonderful to have you back, Word Doc!
Thus I’ve been writing again, catching up on editing my stories here and there. It’s still not going anywhere though! How bizarre.
Okay, I promised myself not to talk too much for this entry because in my state now I will get carried away. I’ll just show you a few images from my vacation with my sister, the rest is in my gallery website if you want to check it out.
Sorry but I must show this to you guys, my awesome Windows 7 Ultimate. I love it oh so very much. Grab one now before you're missing out on something great like this. By the way, how lovely does the image I use for my desktop look? Very cool aye? Okay, back to the photos from Hamilton Island =P
Something about birds walking on sand is ever beautiful.
Look at how blue the water is... Just imagine seeing an endless sea of that colour. Simply breath-taking.
The view from the hotel we were staying at.
This is Whitehaven Beach. The sand is very fine that when there is no foot prints on the sand, it looks like a sheet of white material. Also the water feels amazing, just a nice cool temperature! Exquisite isn't it?
We’ve been told that through the chill of Winter, Spring will thaw all that is cold. Afterwards it will bring new life showering the world with its warm azure sky.
Hence, I’m hoping things will soon pick up their paces in my life.
I am begging, on my knees and head touching the ground for a job in the tourism industry. Honestly, I want the experience to further my career in this field. People keep telling me I should just get whatever and don’t be too picky, but no that’s not what I think.
What’s the point if I start working in something which has no relation to what I studied? Then when I go for interviews for a tourism job, I have no past experience like now. In the end I am still at the beginning going nowhere.
Therefore I am applying for a lot of jobs in the industry.
Perhaps people just don’t know there’s many different roles and positions in the large tourism industry. Everyone instantly think of travel agents and airlines. Yes those are the ones the public have the most access to but there are plenty more.
All I need to do is just get a position, even in the administration area. As long as it’s in a tourism based company I’m happy.
But darn them all for wanting past experience when I recently graduated.
They don’t even care if I hold a Distinction in my hand.
This is how the world is now, you spend years studying trying your best thinking if you come out with the best score then for sure you’ll get a position.
Stupid high school teachers who feed that in our minds!
Therefore, don’t believe them!
Great scores are of course wonderful, but don’t think because you ace your exams people will pat you on the back and want you on their team. It’s not that easy.
Okay, enough of me ranting about my sad current unemployment status.
Onto happier thoughts. My sister, Trinh and I are off to Hamilton Island in less than two weeks. For your information, I’ll fill you in on it briefly. Below is an image of where the island is in Australia.
As you can you, it is up above New South Wales where I live , Queensland what we call here “The Sunshine Coast”. Hamilton Island is one of the biggest island in the Whitsunday Islands. All the islands that are clouded together there on the map is a part of Whitsunday Islands like Hamilton. You can see the airport icon, on Hamilton Island, it is the only island outside of Queensland that has its own airport. That’s where my sister and I will be landing.
Initially, my sister wants to go to Hayman Island but that place is much more secluded than Hamilton. Though Hayman is a beautiful place for honeymooners because of the serene atmosphere. But as my sister and I want some fun and activities, we decided Hamilton would be better for us.
Excited as can be, I’ve marked the days I’ll be gone on the calender over the right navigation column. We’ll be borrowing my brother’s SLR camera and hopefully get some beautiful pictures. Once I return I’ll be more than happy to show you the wonderful adventure.
For now I’ll simply show you what you can find around the internet of Hamilton Island.
Do remember this is a personal review base on my own skin. I am slightly tan, have medium-sized pores and have combination skin so I do get break out here and there. If you want to give it a try, please do and tell me how it works on you.
DHC Platinum White Lasting Colour Base SPF35
(Available shades: Light Pink, Natural Beige, Shining Beige, Clear Ivory, Cool Green)
Rating: 
SPF35 sun protection, that’s really high!
The “natural beige” colour went on great for me, giving minimum coverage and doesn’t make my face look unnatural.
Cover pores adequately
Leaves your skin feeling deeply moisturize as foundation settles on better
Beautiful bottle design
Doesn’t control oil/shine well
Honestly, this is a really great product. I think I’ll stick to it for now because buying anymore products to try would kill my pocket money. It’s not going to be funny if I end up with more than 5 bottles of different face primer. My sister already taxed one!
Now I will simply use all of them up, then I’ll try others if I’m up for it later.
As for the problem with this product of being poor on controlling oil/shine on your face, you could just use setting powder after your foundation. That will help as well as oil blotting papers.
I guess it’s quite difficult to find something 100% perfect and exact to what you seek for.
This will do for now, I am happy with it!
Coming Home
© Ak 2007
Chapter 6
“We will pick you up later. Enjoy yourselves.” Louis said to his children before returning to the car where Jessica was waiting for him.
Alex and Ashley were attending a birthday party of their friend from the childcare centre. Jessica had prepared the presents for them.
“I hardly have any time alone with you, my dear.” Louis said and placed his hand over Jessica’s.
“Don’t tell me you are jealous of your own kids?” she teased him.
“Where would you like to go?” he asked.
“Anywhere.” she replied gently to him.
“Let’s go shopping then.” he said to her.
“I thought you hate shopping?” she asked curiously.
“I just want to get you something.” he replied with a wink, and started the car.
“You should not have spent so much money on me, Louis.” Jessica said to him as they walked out of the jewellery shop. He had bought her a bracelet.
“I can still afford it. I just want to give you something.” he said and turned his cheek towards her.
“Thank you.” she said and gave him a peck on the cheek.
Just then, Louis’ colleague called out to him, “Louis!”
Jessica quickly wriggled her hand from Louis’ grip.
“Hi, Benny! What a coincidence. Meet my girlfriend, Jessica.” Louis introduced and placed his arm over Jessica’s shoulders. “This is Benny and his wife.”
Jessica exchanged handshakes and pleasantries with the couple. Louis then excused themselves from them.
“Is he your colleague?” she asked when they were far enough from the hearing range of Benny and his wife.
“Yes, he is.” he replied.
“He knows that you are married, doesn’t he?” she questioned.
“Yes, he does.” he answered as a matter-of-fact.
A moment of silence followed.
“You don’t have to do that.” Jessica finally said to him sadly.
“This is the least that I can do for you. I must at least acknowledge that you are my girlfriend.” he said tenderly to her. “I’m proud to have you.” He clenched her hand and brought it to his chest.
If there was ever a topic that was taboo between them, it was the return of Tavia. Both of them had hoped that Tavia would return so that they could resolve their current situation. Yet, Jessica was always apprehensive that Tavia would not let go of her family. Louis had tried to reassure Jessica before but he did not like to see her getting all jittery and guilty, so they stopped talking about Tavia.
Like many other nights, Louis and Jessica were spending some time alone in his living room after they had tucked the kids to bed. He had her in his arms and she was resting against him. They were quietly watching the television and enjoying each other’s company. It was past mid-night.
“I should be going.” Jessica said and removed herself from the sofa.
“Why don’t you spend the night here?” He asked as usual and got rejected as usual.
“No, I shouldn’t.” She shook her head at him.
As usual, he walked her back to her apartment. He stood there waiting for his goodbye kiss.
“Happy Birthday!” she said and kissed him on the lips.
“You remember?” he asked, slightly surprised because he had forgotten about his own birthday.
“Of course. Why don’t you sleep a little longer tomorrow? I’ll send the kids to the centre for you.” she offered.
“All right. You have an early night too. Don’t miss me.” he said teasingly.
“I won’t.” she replied with a smile and entered her apartment.
Jessica went over to Louis’ place early the next morning. She had prepared his breakfast and left his birthday present next to it on the dining table. She then sent the kids to the childcare centre.
Louis woke up to find his breakfast ready and he opened his present. She had bought him a light blue shirt and a navy blue tie. He got dressed and was waiting for her when she returned.
“Here are your keys.” she passed the car keys to him. “You better hurry up or you will be late.” she said when he was not moving.
He held out his new tie to her. She took it from him and shook her head. “First, I have to tie Ashley’s hair. Now, I have to tie your tie.”
“This honour belongs to you only.” he said next to her ear, and inhaled her familiar lavender scent.
“There you go. Drive carefully.” she said after tying a neat knot for him. She gave him a peck on the cheek and saw him out of the house. “Be home early tonight. I’m picking up the kids.” she called out before the elevator door closed.
She picked up the kids early that afternoon. She got them to draw birthday cards for their dad, while she busied herself in the kitchen. She was preparing his favourite food and baking his birthday cake.
When the kids were done with their cards, she got them to help decorate the birthday cake. She had baked a thin vanilla and a thin chocolate cakes. She sliced away the top of the cakes and spread a thick layer of strawberry jam over the chocolate cake. Then, she placed slices of strawberries on it. She finally put the vanilla cake on top. She spread fresh cream over the cake and let the kids placed pieces of fruits on top of it as decorations.
“Why is this cake so special?” Alex asked. “It is not chocolate or vanilla.” he added.
Jessica gave him a smile and replied, “Chocolate is your favourite, vanilla is Daddy’s favourite and strawberry is Ashley’s favourite.”
“What is your favourite?” Alex asked ingenuously.
“My favourite is all your favourites.” Jessica replied with a soft laugh. The kids returned her laugh with a big grin on their faces.
That night, after a hearty dinner and the special birthday cake, Louis had offered to put the kids to bed to give Jessica a break. He was delighted with his birthday cards and he had put them into his briefcase. He was going to display them in his office.
Light music was playing softly from the stereo. She took a glass of red wine and stood at the windows. The city was too bright for the stars to shine, but the moonlight was casting a glow on her face.
Louis slipped his arms quietly around her and pulled her into a tight embrace. “Do you know you are very beautiful?” he whispered into her ear and rested his chin on her shoulder, close to her neck.
She gave him a smile and tried half-heartedly to wriggle out of his embrace. “What if the kids catch us?” she whispered back to him.
“Then I can be an example to Alex and you can be a counter-example to Ashley.” he said with a soft chuckle.
“You’re horrible.” she reprimanded him with a smile.
“You talk too much.” He spun her around and kissed her fully on the lips. She ran her arms to his back and hugged him close to her.
“Happy Birthday.” she mumbled through his kiss.
“Will you be my present then?” he asked in a seductive voice. And, she kissed him back.
This was one of the usual Sunday nights. They were having dinner at home when the main door of Louis’ apartment opened. A woman stood at the door with two suitcases next to her.
Louis and Jessica got up from their seats and the adults stared at each other. Alex was the first to break the silence. He hopped off his chair and ran towards the woman. “Mommy!” he called.
Tavia picked up Alex and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “You have grown taller and heavier, Handsome.”
Jessica lifted Ashley from her high-chair and placed her down gently. Ashley looked at the woman and returned her eyes to Jessica. Jessica gave her a little nudge and an encouraging smile.
Ashley walked slowly towards the woman and the latter immediately picked her up. “How are you doing, my little dolly?”
Ashley gave a little struggle and Louis immediately took her over from Tavia.
“Who is she?” Tavia finally asked Louis and directed her glance towards Jessica.
“She is Jessie!” Alex answered before Louis could do so.
“Jessie, she is my mommy!” Alex said innocently.
“Hi.” Jessica said and held out her hand for a handshake.
“Hi.” Tavia replied and took her hand, without removing her eyes from Jessica.
“I better get going.” Jessica tried to get out of the awkwardness.
“I’ll see you home.” Louis said immediately and moved forward towards the two women. Ashley was still in his arm.
Ashley reached towards Jessica, and Jessica placed a kiss on her forehead. “Good night, Ashley. Sweet dreams.”
Alex also ran to Jessica for his goodnight kiss. “Good night, Alex. Sleep tight.” She placed a kiss on his forehead too.
“It’s okay. I’ll go back on my own.” Jessica eventually said to Louis.
Louis watched her walked back to her apartment from his door. He wanted to reassure her that everything would be all right but he did not have the chance.
Meanwhile, Tavia was taking in all the proceedings before her. She felt sour and jealous. She could guess who Jessica was to Louis.
Louis closed their apartment door after Jessica had entered her apartment. He proceeded to wash the dishes. When he was done, he went to their bedroom and took an extra pillow and blanket from their wardrobe. He moved into their children’s room that night.
That night Louis sent a text message to Jessica to reassure her that everything would be fine.
The next morning, Louis spent a lot of time coaxing and dressing Ashley. By the time he was ready, he was already running late and he proceeded to send the children to the childcare centre and went to work without a chance to talk to Jessica.
Jessica opened her door with a heavy heart. She knew who it would be. It won’t be Louis because he had the keys to her house. Yes, indeed it was Tavia who was standing before her. She noticed immediately that Tavia was wearing Louis’ T-shirt beneath her sleeping robe. “Have they gotten back together? Is that why he did not bother to come over this morning?” Jessica feared.
“Please come in.” Jessica invited Tavia in reluctantly. Although she knew the confrontation was unavoidable, she was reluctant to go through it. What was she to do? Tavia was Louis’ wife and the children’s mother, and she would always be the third party. She could never win this.
“Have a seat.” she gestured Tavia towards her dining table.
“Would you like to have coffee or tea?” she asked nervously.
“Tea, please.” Tavia replied stiffly.
As Jessica was preparing their drinks, Tavia looked at her home. She noticed the familiarities between this apartment and hers. Alex’s and Ashley’s drawings were pasted at the waist level of the walls. She could not miss the same lavender potpourri’s scent at the entrances. There were many traces of Jessica’s tastes in her own apartment, especially the colour purple. Tavia also noticed there was a heap of used tissues around the sofa.
Jessica had been crying the night before. She had told herself to be strong, to believe in Louis. However, her heart feared for the worst. He had never mentioned that he loved Tavia, but he had also never said that he did not love Tavia. At this moment, she had no idea where she stood in his heart. Yes, Louis loved her but would he choose her over his wife?
Jessica finally served their tea and sat opposite of Tavia. The dining table separated them. Silence hung awkwardly between them.
“Why have everything changed while I was away? Why did you take away all which were mine?” Tavia burst out. Her voice was filled with bitterness.
“I can’t take away what is yours.” Jessica tried to reply as calmly as possible. Her hands were rubbing her tea cup and she kept her eyes away from Tavia’s.
Silence fell upon them again.
Tavia finally took a sip of her tea and said in a more subdued tone, “The kids like you. They love you.”
“They love you too. They love you unconditionally. You are their mother.” Jessica replied immediately.
“What about Louis? Does he love you too?” Tavia asked rather forcefully.
“I …” Jessica wanted to lie that she didn’t know but she could not say it. “This question is for him to answer, not me.” Jessica finally replied.
“Are both of you together?” Tavia pressed on.
Jessica gave a hesitant nod.
“I want you to leave him.” Tavia stated spitefully.
Jessica looked speechlessly at Tavia.
“I want you to leave him” Tave repeated plainly.
Jessica gave a quick shake of her head. Her heart raced. She knew that it would come to such an end. Nonetheless, she had held on to a thin thread of hope. And, this thread had been broken.
“If you don’t leave him, I will sue him for adultery and take the kids away from him.” Tavia made her demand even clearer.
“You can’t do that to him. He can’t do without the kids.” Jessica protested instantly.
“If both of you are together, then I will have the kids.” Tavia refused to back down.
“You can’t use them as weapons against Louis!” Jessica almost cried out.
“The kids can’t be passed around like a ball. They need stability. Please spare a thought for them. They will always be your kids.” Jessica tried to reason with Tavia.
“The kids need not be separated from Louis if you leave us alone.” Tavia said.
“Just give me back Louis and the kids.” Tavia continued.
Jessica kept quiet. She knew it would come to this. She had to relinquish what she had “borrowed” from Tavia. They were never hers. It was time to let go.
“I’ll leave him but can you promise to put the children before yourself?” Jessica asked. “Please don’t neglect their feelings any more, especially Ashley’s.” she said almost as a plea.
Despite her hatred for Jessica, Tavia could not deny the genuine concern that Jessica had shown for the kids. “Of course, I will put them before myself. I’m their mother. I want you to leave Louis immediately.”
Jessica gave an affirmative nod.
Tavia got up from her seat and left Jessica’s apartment.
Louis tried to call Jessica for the whole day but he could not reach her. He was worried.
When he went to pick the kids, he was told that Tavia had already picked them up.
He went to Jessica’s apartment instead of his own. He looked for her in every room, and in every corner of the apartment. She was not found.
He slumped into her leather chair in her study. He buried his face into his hands. He knew that she had left. Just like that she had said before – she would leave when Tavia returned.
It was almost the children’s bedtime and Louis had returned from Jessica’s apartment. He had been sitting in her study and listening to the wind chime for another night. He would sometimes sit in the living room and glanced at his children’s drawings. At times, he would stand at the kitchen and reminisce the way she had cooked. He had even tried to hold her once and realised it was just his imagination. When his heart ached for her, he would lay on her bed.
Louis had finished his shower and he was going to sleep with his kids. When he opened the bathroom door, he noticed that Tavia was also in the bedroom. He continued to walk out of the bedroom when she almost screamed in frustration, “Can you stop ignoring me?”
Louis stopped in his track. He turned around to face her. In the past, that line from her would be a cue to start another shouting match, but instead he spoke in a regular tone to her, “Do you want to talk?”
If not for the anger that she was feeling, she would have been in awe in his response. For the first time, he had realised her screaming was to get his attention – his attention to listen to her. And, he knew it from a discussion he had with Jessica. He had lamented that women these days always threatened divorce when they were unhappy, and Jessica reasoned that women did that and many other things just to get their man’s attention.
“Yes.” she said in a softer tone. She sat on their bed. Louis took a look at the bedroom door to make sure that it was closed. There was no need for the kids to see this. He then leaned against their wardrobe and looked at her.
“Can you stop going to her place? It feels like you are still having an affair with her.” she said in a calmer tone after a period of silence.
Louis answered her honestly, “I can stop going but it does not mean that I don’t miss her.”
Tavia tried to keep her temper in control against his words, yet she was impressed with his honesty. “Did you miss me too when I was away?” she asked.
“I was too busy coping with the kids when you walked out.” he said without a hint of resentment.
Silence came over them. Tavia could not comprehend the Louis in front of her. He was so different. There was no sense of irritation in him. Perhaps there was some resignation, but he was not angry and he was speaking and answering her.
“Have you ever loved me?” She had to ask. She had to know.
“I suppose I did have some affection for you, otherwise I would not have married you.” he answered.
“Do you still love me?” she asked.
“Our marriage was built on lust and responsibility. Love was not part of it.” he replied truthfully.
Tavia was hurt by his truthfulness and she cried.
“After spending so many years together, I do have feeling for you, Tavia.” he said and he could see her eyes lighted up a little. “I cannot describe it as love for a sibling, not after what we have shared.” he continued and he saw the lights went out. “You are like a kin to me. A family member. You are the mother of my children. And nothing can change that.” he said.
She looked at him with teary eyes.
“I know you have tried. I see your effort in the past two weeks. But, this is not the life that you want.” he said to her. “Go and pursue your dreams. I’ll look after the kids.” he encouraged her.
She bit her lower lip and stared at him. What he had said sounded so remotely similar to Jessica’s. “You are putting the children before yourself.” she said it out before she knew it.
“Yes, I suppose so.”
“Because she said that you should be doing so?” she asked.
“No, she taught me. No, she actually showed me.” he replied and his thoughts floated to the times when Jessica was with his children. His lips tilted up at the thoughts.
“Would you have loved me if we have met later?” she asked.
“Perhaps. But the arrangement of time is not something we can dictate.” he replied.
“It’s late. The kids are waiting for me.” he said at last and left the room.
The next morning, Tavia was all dressed up and she had prepared breakfast.
The family had their breakfast rather quietly. When they were almost done, Tavia went to the room and came out with her suitcases.
Alex came running to her. “Mommy, where are you going again?” he asked anxiously.
“Mommy is going to pursue Mommy’s dreams. One day you would too. You have been a good boy, Alex. Mommy loves you.” Tavia said and planted a big kiss on his cheek. “You can call me when you miss me.” she added.
Tavia then walked to Ashley. She leaned towards her and said, “I’m sorry, Ashley. I should have been a better mother to you.” She kissed and hugged Ashley.
“Thanks for your honesty, Louis.” she said with her misted eyes. “Perhaps, I should not have come back.”
“As much as I blamed you for ruining my life, I do love you, Louis.” Tavia said silently in her heart as she hugged Louis.
This hug felt so close and cosy. It was nothing sensual. She gave a forced smile and passed him her contact number. “If you still want a divorce, you know how to reach me now. I hope you find her soon.” With that, she took off and left the house.
The night of Alex’s year-end performance had arrived. Jessica had promised to attend and watch his performance. In fact, she had helped him sew his costume.
“Will Jessie come tonight?” Alex asked Louis.
“She will. She promised.” Louis replied his son. He wanted to believe what he had said to Alex too.
“Remember to wait for me at the backstage entrance once your part is over. Don’t stay for the finale.” Louis added and Alex nodded.
Louis had a feeling that Jessica would attend the performance but she might leave before it ended.
Jessica debated with herself for days whether she should attend Alex’s year-end performance. “A promise is a promise.” She finally convinced herself. The truth was that she missed them and she wanted to see them.
She sneaked into the performance hall just before the lights dimmed. She stood at the back of hall, near the door. She gave a slight wave to little Alex. She knew that Alex had seen her. She was so proud of him.
She scanned for Louis and Ashley and found them in the second row from the front. How much she had missed them!
She caught Louis turning his head to the back of the hall, towards the entrance. She shifted herself further into a darker corner, away from the light from the exit sign. She did not want him to see her.
She stood in the dark and watched Alex’s brilliant performance. It was as if there were no other kids on the stage. She could only see Alex and he was the lead actor. She swelled with pride when he delivered his lines so smoothly and confidently. A tear of pride rolled down before she could stop herself.
As the curtains were drawn, she knew she had to leave. She moved quietly and walked out of the entrance. She took her steps slowly with a heavy heart. She was about to walk out the gate when someone called her name from the back.
“Jessica! Don’t go!”
It was the familiar low husky voice. The one which had captured her heart. She steeled herself and took another step forward.
“Jessie!” This time it was Alex’s voice. She turned around to face them.
Ashley immediately called out to her too, “Jessie!”
Her heart had immediately rushed forth to them, her precious.
“Come home with us!” Louis said to Jessica.
“Come home!” echoed the kids.
She was a just few steps from them. She looked at them intently. Her heart was already with them.
Louis had held the kids back. The kids might be confused by his gesture, but Jessica understood it. He had again presented her with a choice. She had to take the first step to go back to them. It had to be because she wanted to go back to them, and not because of the kids.
She knew Louis must have come to a conclusion with Tavia, otherwise he won’t be asking her to go home with him. She commanded the strength in her whole being and took a step forward.
Immediately, Louis loosened his grip on the kids and they ran towards her. She squatted and gathered them in her embrace. She sniffed the top of their heads. It felt so good to hold them again.
Louis moved towards them and enveloped them with his strong arms. He had his family before him. He whispered into her ear, “Let’s go home. Home where you belong.”
The End
Coming Home
© Ak 2007
Chapter 5
Louis placed his hand on her door before she could close it shut. “Don’t lock yourself in.” he began. “Let me go through it with you just like you have done for me.” he added in a soft but firm voice.
Jessica looked up at him. They stood looking at each other for a long while. She opened and closed her mouth a couple of times. The words were lost in her throat. He watched her patiently.
“Why don’t you come over my place? We can talk over some drinks.” he finally broke the silence and held out the bottle of wine. He placed his other hand over hers, which was still on the door knob, and curled his fingers over it. He then led her out from her apartment, her refuge.
He brought her over to the sofa and sat her down. He fetched two wine glasses and settled beside her soon. He poured the drinks and passed a glass to her. She took a sip and placed the glass on the table.
“What had happened between you and that woman?” Louis asked.
“Nothing.” Jessica replied simply.
“Don’t “nothing” me, Jessica. I have seen how you had stood up for what you think was right. So, why do you let her insult you and not retaliate?”
“Because I was in the wrong.” she answered immediately in her heart but she continued to keep quiet.
“Jessica, you can tell me what had happened. Let me listen to you just as you had listened to me.” Louis pressed on. “You don’t have to carry this burden by yourself.”
“I …” Jessica started but could not continue. Then, he clasped his hands over hers like she did before. She looked at him and whispered, “You will despise me if you know.”
“Tell me and let me judge for myself then.” he encouraged her further in a softer tone.
“I had an affair with her husband. I’m a slut just like what she had called me.” she stated brutally. She looked at Louis and was expecting his admonition. She was ready to face his disgust. Instead, he just clasped his hands tighter and looked at her gently.
“Tell me more.” he probed.
She looked at Louis more intently, and then dropped her glance. “He was one of my business associates. I didn’t know he is married. I swear I didn’t know.” She gave him a pleading look.
“I believe you.” he said. And, it meant so much to her.
“I was so desperate to have a man. The tell-tales signs were all there, yet I chose not to see them. I have been writing about these signs in my magazines for years but I’m so blind not to see them when they happened to me.” she admonished herself. “He was seldom available during weekends. We could only meet for lunches or some evenings. He was always the one who decided when and where to meet. I had never been to his place before.”
“I must be so man-crazy that I readily gone to bed with him. I even brought him to my house. I was just like a whore.” she said harshly. “Even a whore does it for money. I’m worse. I just can’t wait to be …” She could not bring herself to use the vulgar word. She had also lost control over her tears.
It pained him to hear her used such harsh words to describe herself. He knew it was not true. He had never seen her behaved or dressed indecently. He always found her modest and respectable. “This is not true. Was he your first boyfriend?” he asked.
She covered her face with her two hands and sobbed. “No, but he was the first man I thought I had a serious relationship with. Otherwise, I would never sleep with him.”
“You gave your virginity to him?” he asked without knowing why he had to ask.
She gave a nod. An instant of anger and protectiveness came over him. He had not recognised it as jealousy yet. “Bastard!” he cursed under his breath.
She just cried harder.
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to curse.” he quickly apologised.
“I deserved to be cursed at.” she replied flatly. He shook his head instinctively.
“How did you find out that he was married?” he questioned.
She recollected to him how his wife had stormed into her office one day and slapped her in front of everyone present and called her names. She was so humiliated that she had wished she could die on the spot from the shame. She had resigned the very next day. She could not go back to her office knowing the gossips which were going behind her back. Fortunately, she had worked long enough with her boss that the latter offered her a freelance position so that she could work away from the office.
“I was afraid to see anyone I know. I was afraid of their judgement.” she said shakily. She raised her eyes slightly to look out for Louis’ expression.
“It’s over now, Jessie.” he said reassuringly to her. His eyes shone softly at her.
She closed her eyes and continued, “It is not over yet.” She knew she had to get this out of her chest, especially after she had already told him so much.
He was shocked that was not the end of it.
“I was pregnant with his baby and I aborted him when I found out he was married.” She buried her face onto his chest. She had accidentally knocked over her glass and the red liquid stained the carpet.
There was no sound coming from her crying and it broke his heart. He knew how much it must have hurt her to go through that. He saw how much she had loved his children, how much more would she have loved her own. A tear trickled down his cheek at this thought. He held her close and tight.
“Why didn’t you keep the baby?” he asked ever so gently to her.
She trembled harder before she swallowed hard and replied, “I don’t want the child to be like me.” She slowly removed herself from his hold.
He was further taken aback by her revelation. “What do you mean?”
“I was an illegitimate child.” she said with difficulty. “I never knew about it until I was eleven. When my father died.” She took a deep breathe before continuing. “It was only when I had to attend his funeral that I found out that he had another family and my mother was his mistress.”
“I always thought that I was his princess because he called me that. But I turned out to be a …” she could not find a word to describe herself and she let out a sob. She subconsciously raised her hand over her left cheek as she recalled the slap she had received from her father’s legal wife. That was the first slap she had ever received. His family had refused to let her and her mother attend his funeral. They had to quietly visit his grave after the funeral was over. She remembered her mother weeping at his grave.
Somehow, she could never forgive her mother for permitting herself to become someone’s mistress and allowing her to be humiliated as an illegitimate child. Although her father had included her and her mother in his will, she had refused to use his money. She determined to prove her own self-worth. She had studied and worked very hard to fund her own education. She even won scholarships for her overseas studies.
When she returned, she joined a large publishing house and she worked her way up to become an editor. She had dated in-between but she had broken up with her boyfriends because of her career. She had worked very hard to prove herself, even when she was already doing very well. She did not know what she was working for anymore.
“It’s in my blood. I was born a slut, a vixen, a husband-snatcher, a marriage-breaker just like my mother.” she said with bitterness. “I have been trying so hard not to become what they called me. But …” she sobbed even harder.
“But I turned out to be just what they had predicted.” she finished her sentence with difficulty. She had cried so hard that she was having difficulties breathing. Louis gently smoothed her back.
“It’s not true. You are great person, Jessica. You have a big heart. You are just too trusting.” Louis comforted her. His heart felt as if it was stabbed when she used those harsh words on herself.
“He was a bastard to make use of you. He was a coward not to own up to his error and responsibility.”
He surprised her by putting his arm over her shoulders and pulled her close to him. She shuddered at his touch. He then stroked the side of her head with his other hand. She slowly relaxed and leaned against his shoulder for support.
Jessica had fallen asleep in Louis’ embrace. He looked at her sleeping form and took a sip of his wine. He remembered the poem “A Drinking Song” from Yeats.
Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye;
That’s all we shall know for truth
Before we grow old and die.
I lift the glass to my mouth,
I look at you, and I sigh.
Yes, he had the love of his life before him. He knew in his heart that he had more than sympathy for her. He admired and loved her. He let out a long sigh.
As dawn began to break, Jessica roused from her sleep. She felt warm and comforted. When she realised she was sleeping in Louis’ arms, she was stunned and embarrassed.
“You have woken up?” he said softly over her head.
Her heart jumped at his voice and she quickly sat up, removing herself from him. “I’m sorry.” she said bashfully.
“Feeling better now?” he asked.
“Yes, much better. Thank you.” she answered without looking at him. Then, she spotted the wine stain on the carpet. “I’m sorry. I will send your carpet for cleaning.” She pointed at the stain.
“It’s ok. We will just buy another one. You can help to pick one for me.” he replied good-naturedly.
“Ouch!”
She finally looked up at him when she heard his exclamation of pain. He was trying to move his arm. It was numb after being slept upon for the whole night. She moved forward to give his arm a rub to loosen the muscles. “Sorry.” she said again.
“Enough of your apologies. It’s so unlike you” he said teasingly.
“Do you mean I’m always rude?” she asked him back, looking at him.
“No, just domineering and dictatorial.” he chaffed her.
“Just joking.” he added when she held on to her serious expression.
“Yes, I know.” She finally let out a laugh and he laughed with her.
“I’m glad you are feeling better.”
“Thanks. I better get going before the kids are up.” She got up to leave.
“Will you be coming over to make your Jessie’s pancakes?” he asked as he also got up to walk her home.
“Why don’t we bring them to the park today? I think they can’t wait to try on their new bikes.”
“Good idea.”
“Okay then. I’ll prepare the picnic basket for lunch. Remember to feed them breakfast before bringing them over to my place.”
“After which, you can pick the new carpet for me.”
“All right, we have the day planned.” They had reached her place and she had opened her door. They looked at each other expectantly. When nothing happened after a while, she said her goodbye and closed the door.
Louis lingered at her door. “Was she expecting a goodbye kiss?” he asked himself.
He finally returned to his apartment to catch a few winks before his kids got up.
Meanwhile, she had a warm shower but her heart was feeling even warmer. She indeed had a peaceful sleep; he had after all spent the night watching over her. The feeling was so sweet. “He is just treating you as friend. Stop having silly ideas.” she reminded herself as she turned off the tap.
She proceeded to her kitchen. She boiled some water and dipped the slices of ham into it to cleanse them. She then left the ham to cool. She proceeded to fry some eggs and left them to cool too. Then she sliced the cucumbers, tomatoes and lettuces. She knew that the kids did not like vegetables in their sandwiches, so she prepared a separate set for them. She then took out some apples and grapes to substitute them as their vegetable intake.
By the time Louis had arrived with the kids, the picnic basket was filled and there was even a water cooler full of lemonade.
They spent the day at the park. Louis had truly enjoyed his children’s company for the first time in his life. It wasn’t an obligation to play with them, or a chore to entertain them. They were keeping each other company. Occasionally, he would glance at the woman who had made such a difference in his life. Her smiles and laughter filled his heart with happiness.
The kids, especially Alex, had enjoyed the time with their father too. They liked this daddy before them – he was fun and happy. He laughed with them. He did not snap at them. They loved having Auntie Jessie with them too.
Louis had taught Alex how to ride his bike while Jessica pushed Ashley in her tricycle and played in the sandbox with her.
They had their picnic lunch and proceeded to shop for a new carpet. Jessica had chosen a lilac carpet with white borders to match Louis’ sofa and coffee table. This was her first touch for his apartment.
Weeks had passed and they never mentioned about Jessica’s past again.
Jessica had created a lot of opportunities for Louis and Alex to bond together. She had got them to play ball, go cycling and even bathe together. Alex now looked forward to have Louis home every evening.
Meanwhile, Ashley had glued herself to Jessica. She insisted on having her hair tied by Jessica before she was sent to the childcare centre every day. Jessica had to give her a goodnight kiss every night. She had also become chatty with Jessica. She would even pick her own clothes when Jessica dressed her. She no longer followed Alex around.
Jessica and Louis continued to tease and throw harmless sarcasms at each other, but their mutual affections were also growing. Jessica had often stopped working to listen to the wind chime in her study and thought of Louis; while he would find excuses to call her during day, such as to ask what was for dinner and whether she needed him to pick up anything on his way home. They lingered longer and longer each night in front of her door, yet both of them did not express their feelings for the other.
This was one of the usual weekends that they spent at home again.
Jessica stood at the door watching the father-and-son pair “wrestled” on the bed. Their laughter could be heard in the midst of Alex’s screams. A smile spread over her face. She finally called out, “Are you guys coming for lunch? Otherwise, I will just share the honeyed chicken wings with Ashley.”
Louis and Alex stopped immediately and ran to the dining table. Jessica shook her head at them. No one would believe if someone said that Alex was not Louis’ son – both of them were so alike. Not just in looks, but also in mannerisms and tastes. The honeyed chicken wings were one of their favourite dishes.
They gathered at the coffee table after lunch and Jessica caught Alex scratching him arm. She held his arm and saw a blister on it. Then, she spotted more blisters on his other arm. “Are they itchy?” she asked him.
“Yes, a little. They are fun to play with. There is water in them.” Alex replied innocently to Jessica, but she was worried.
She then searched Ashley’s body for similar blisters and she found some on her legs.
“I think they have chickenpox, Louis.” she said worriedly.
“Let me have a look.” He replied and examined his kids. “Let’s bring them to doctor immediately.”
It turned out that not only Alex and Ashley were infected with chickenpox, Louis too.
Jessica had three patients on hand. Both Alex and Ashley were suffering from the itchiness so she had to constantly apply the anti-itch lotion on them. They were generally still manageable as they would often sleep for an hour or two after their medication. “Don’t scratch the blisters or they will break and form scars. Then, you will look ugly.” She would warn the kids.
Occasionally, she would need to rock Ashley to sleep when the latter was feeling terribly uncomfortable and she could only express herself by crying. Alex, as usual, had taken care of himself. When he was really uncomfortable, he would just snuggle close to Jessica and Louis. Jessica would give him a few pats and some drinks as encouragement when she noticed his actions.
Louis was the one who caused Jessica to worry the most. His fever came that night after they visited the doctor and he was suffering from body aches. She spent the whole night wetting him to bring down his temperature. He was mumbling incoherently in his sleep. In his semi-consciousness, he was aware of her presence.
After a week, the kids were recovering fast. Some of their blisters had dried up and formed crusts. These crusts were beginning to fall off. Louis was still lying in bed. His temperature was gone but his body aches still persisted.
“Sorry, Boss. I really can’t deliver the articles these two weeks. My kids are sick. So is Louis.”
He overheard her conversation with her boss. He was touched. She had called them “my kids”. He made up his mind.
The kids and Louis soon recovered under the tender care of Jessica. He was returning to work tomorrow and he walked Jessica home that night.
As she was about to walk into her apartment, he grabbed hold of her hand and she turned around to face him.
“I love you.” he said to her and waited for her response.
She looked at him in shock. Her mind and heart began to battle.
“You do know that I love you, don’t you? Jessica.” Louis asked while looking deeply into her eyes, searching her soul for an answer. She did not reply. She gazed back into his eyes. Tears formed at the rim of her eyes.
“Jessica,” Louis continued, without losing hold of their eye contact. He held her hands in his own tightly. He did not want to lose her but he needed to give her a fair chance at choosing. “You know I would give everything I could for you, but I can’t give that one thing that you wanted most.” His voice trembled. He knew that she would understand what he meant but he wanted to leave it to no doubt. “I can’t marry you. We can’t have a legitimate child.” He finally said it all to her. He watched her face intensely for her reaction, her response.
Jessica could hear the pain and anxiety in his voice. She looked away from his face. Louis would never lie to her. He was giving her a fair chance to choose. She knew. She knew it so clearly that it hurt. She loved Louis and he had just proven that he was worthy of her love. She would give anything to be with him, be with his children. However, she did not want to follow her mother’s foot-steps; she did not want to a third-party in his marriage. She wanted to able to hold her head up high, and not in shame. Her thoughts were spinning in over-drive.
She took a look at him and she was undone. She loved this man and she could see his love for her too. She removed her right hand slowly from his grip and raised it to his left cheek. She ran her thumb along his cheekbone. Tears fell off from her eyes.
He did not remove his eyes from her. He was afraid to interpret her actions. He finally gave a sigh of relief when he saw her slight nod before she leaned forward and tilted her face upwards with her eyes closed. His hands held both sides of her face, his thumbs gently brushed her tears away and he kissed her firmly. He had to let her know he was resolved to make this relationship worked for them.
She had made her choice. She just let him love her, and she let herself love him.
Coming Home
© Ak 2007
Chapter 4
Sunday had arrived once again. Louis had gotten up early today and woke his children for their weekly McDonalds breakfast. The moment they got out of bed, the kids exchanged a look and ran out of their room, then out of their house and to Jessica’s door. They knocked at her door and were greeted with a perky Jessica.
“Good morning, Jessie!” they called out.
“Good morning! You are early today.” she said cheerily to them.
Louis stood behind his children. He was slightly embarrassed by their candour. “Sorry to disturb you so early in the morning.” he mumbled.
“Jessie said that we can come early today if we slept early last night!” Alex reminded Louis.
Louis looked at his son, not knowing how he should react to his statement. He started counting to ten in his heart. He was using a tip that Jessica had taught him to keep his temper in check when dealing with Alex.
“But I didn’t say that you need not wash up before coming over.” she gently placed her hands on Alex’s shoulders and turned him around. She knew Ashley would just follow Alex so she just had to deal with this little rascal. “You can come back after you have brushed your teeth, washed your face and changed out of your pyjamas.”
Alex stopped in his tracks and turned his head over to face Jessica. “Can you come over and make Jessie’s pancakes for us?” he asked.
“Sure.” she replied with a beam.
Both Alex and Ashley skipped back into their apartment. But Louis looked apologetically at Jessica.
“It’s okay. I’m awake anyway.” Jessica said cheerfully to him. The back of her hand brushed against his as she walked past him and he almost wanted to hold her hand by instinct. He inhaled her familiar lavender scent.
She walked into their kitchen and went about to prepare the French toast. Alex soon joined her in the kitchen. He took a bowl and helped to make the circle breads. Ashley stood at the kitchen entrance.
Jessica squatted down to Ashley’s level. “Little Ashley wants to help too, is it?” she asked her gently. “Yes.” Ashley replied softly.
Jessica poured some sugar into a bowl and gave it to Ashley. “Can Ashley help to bring this to the dining table first?” Ashley gladly took the bowl from Jessica and wobbled to the dining table. Jessica passed a glance at Louis in the direction of Ashley. He was observing his children’s interaction with Jessica. He had never known that they could be so obedient and easy to coax.
When Ashley reached the dining table, he offered to carry her up and let her placed the bowl of sugar on the table. Ashley settled into her high-chair and Jessica followed up shortly. She put a bowl of dry cereal in front of Ashley. “This is for Ashley.” she said to the child with a grin. “Don’t eat too much of this if you still want Jessie’s pancakes.”
Ashley happily tucked in to her cereal and she was fully occupied.
Louis never knew that Sunday breakfast could be so peaceful and cosy. It was a simple affair at home. Nothing rushed. As he settled into his seat with the day’s newspapers by his side on the dining table, for the first time in many years he felt homely. He had never felt so proud and blessed with his children. His smile spread towards his ears.
In the past, every weekend morning was a nightmare. Tavia would dress the kids up and woke him up to bring them to the usual weekend crowd at McDonalds. The place would be filled with many noisy kids and soon Tavia would be mad at their kids for not eating fast enough. After which, they would be going to malls for another tiring day of shopping. Women’s devotion and stamina at shopping was something Louis could never comprehend.
“It would be a blessing to have Jessica as a wife and mother.” But he quickly brushed aside this passing thought. “Don’t be silly, Louis. She will never be yours.” he said to himself.
Jessica placed the cutlery in front of Louis and he broke away from his daydream. “What are you thinking of?” she asked with a smile.
He just shook his head lightly and replied, “Nothing really. I’m just enjoying my Sunday morning.”
Alex placed the plates of golden yellow circle toasts on the table. He returned to the kitchen to fetch the cartons of milk and juices. He then settled into his seat and waited patiently while Jessica to serve their breakfast.
Just one week and Jessica was no longer a stranger at the same dining table. It was as if it had always been her place there.
Louis offered to do the wash-up again while Jessica brought the kids over to her place.
Jessica turned on her television and switched to the children programmes channel. She settled on her sofa to read her magazines. Ashley was sitting at the other end of the sofa with Alex on her other side. She unexpectedly got off her seat and squeezed herself between Alex and Jessica. She even leaned closer to Jessica. Jessica acknowledged her presence by giving her a few light pats on her back while still reading her magazines. Ashley continued to watch the television programme with a smile beaming on her angelic face.
Louis entered the apartment just as the Barney show was ending. He heard Ashley’s singing for the first time. “I love you. You love me. We are happy family.” she sang so softly but he heard it. His little Ashley sang. She sang. His heart swelled and he was close to tears.
Jessica felt his presence and looked at his direction. He quickly swallowed his saliva and said, “I’ll help to unpack the rest of your books.” He proceeded to her study without looking back at her.
When he reached her study, he walked towards the windows. He removed a porcelain wind chime from a little white box. He carefully tied it to the windows grills. The piece of good luck charm paper which was hanging from the chime started to flip and sway against the wind, making some light and melodic sounds. He watched and listened to the wind chime for a few moments, and then he began unpacking the remaining books.
Jessica heard the soft chiming sounds coming from her study. She walked into it. She first saw Louis sorting out her books on the floor. Then, the sounds of wind chime drew her attention to it. She looked at it. She gently ran her finger over the white porcelain, tracing the stalks of lavender printed on it. She lifted the paper and read the Chinese characters on it – “safe and happy”. The corners of her lips tilted upwards.
“I hope you like it.” Louis said while standing behind her.
His voice made her heart skipped again. “It’s lovely. Thanks so much.” she replied genteelly.
“I’m glad you like it. I hope it will not be disturbing you when you work.” He moved closer to her.
“No, it won’t.” she said and turned around. She almost knocked into him and she blushed.
He was surprised how close he had unconsciously gotten near to her. “Why was her scent so captivating?”
Both of them quickly muttered a word of apology to each other. He headed back to his task of unpacking the books, while she went to join the kids.
They had a simple lunch and dinner that day. The kids had brought over their toys to her place. They simply refused to leave. Jessica made them strawberry ice-cream that evening. It was Ashley’s favourite.
Routines had been established between them. Louis would pick the kids up after work and head over to Jessica’s place for dinner. When he had to work late, he would inform Jessica and she would to pick the kids up.
This was one of the nights which he had to work late. He entered into his apartment and walked into the kitchen. He lifted the cover of a pot on the stove. There was some soup left again. He smiled at her thoughtfulness. “Where is Jessica?” he thought. It was unlike her to leave the kids in the house alone. He often found her in the living room or working on her laptop at the dining table when he returned home.
He opened the door of his children’s room softly and saw Jessica dozing off next to Ashley. Their hands were intertwined. He had noticed how close Ashley had grown towards Jessica. Her giggles were like melodies to him. She seemed to be walking with a bounce too. He hoped that she would laugh out loud and spoke her own mind one day. He took in the sight of his sleeping children and Jessica. Any unhappiness and stress at work no longer mattered to him. He felt contented and comforted.
He walked slowly towards Jessica and stroked her arm gently. She opened her eyes and they met his. A moment of silence lingered between them. They saw the softness in each other’s eyes. Jessica broke off the eye connection first. She slowly removed her hand from Ashley’s and walked out the room. Louis followed her out.
He walked her to her apartment as usual. They exchanged their good nights. As she was closing her apartment door, he called out, “Jessica.”
“Yes?” she asked, slightly surprised by his outburst.
He paused. He pondered. “Thanks.”
That’s all he could manage.
Louis had taken the rest of the day off to attend Alex’s Parent Day session. He still could not understand why the school would want the parents to collect their children’s report cards personally. Nonetheless, he accepted Jessica’s reasoning that it was important for him to attend the session, and be punctual, if he wanted to gain back his son’s trust. He had broken too many promises to his children before, which led to their insecurities.
“Don’t call me unless it is ABSOLUTELY urgent, Mary.” Louis said to his department secretary in a cheerful mood.
He was humming to the tunes on his car radio. As he was about to turn into the road leading to Alex’s school, his phone rang.
“Daddy, are you coming?” Alex asked anxiously.
“Yes, I’m round the corner. Reaching in 5 minutes.” Louis replied his son in good humour.
About a minute later, his mobile phone rang again. “Daddy, where are you now?” Alex asked again.
“I’m reaching.” Louis tried to answer as patiently as before.
Louis had just parked his car when his mobile phone rang again. “Have you reached, Daddy?” Alex questioned anxiously over the line.
“I’ll be there. Just wait for me.” Louis responded with a grin and waved at his son.
Alex immediately broke away from Jessica’s light grip and ran towards his father. Together, the father and son walked back to Jessica.
“Thanks for coming, Jessica.” Louis said.
“Yes, right. I was your backup plan.” Jessica said teasingly. “You guys better go to the classroom. I’ll wait around here for you.”
Both Louis and Alex walked out of the classroom in pride. Alex had done well this term and they could not wait to share the news with Jessica. Louis turned his head to look around for her.
He finally spotted her with another couple and he did not like what he saw. She seems to be cornered by the woman and the latter was pointing a finger at her.
“Wait here for me, Alex.” he said to his son before striding towards Jessica’s direction.
As he drew closer, he heard the woman said, “So, you have finally managed to snatch someone else’s family and make it yours.”
Once he reached them, he immediately put his arm protectively over Jessica’s shoulders. “What’s happening here?” he asked in a firm voice. He looked at the couple steadily. He caught the man eyeing at him. He just pulled Jessica closer to his side. Jessica shook her head. “Please excuse us.” Louis said and led her away from the couple.
Louis was curious to find out what had happened. Jessica was quiet. She was merely following him. He grabbed his son’s hand and led them into his car. He saw from his rear mirror that that man was still looking in their direction.
Jessica soon regained her composure and asked about their session with the teacher. Alex told her excitedly in great length what had transpired in the session. He could stop bragging about the “As” he got for his Mathematics and English Language and the praises he received from his teacher.
“Your son can become a lawyer like you. He talks non-stop.” she whispered jokingly to Louis. He gave a soft chuckle, but he was still thinking about the scene which he had seen. Why would Jessica allow herself to be cornered? She was someone who would stand up for her right or what she thought was right.
They went to pick Ashley up and spent the rest of the day at the Toy “R” Us store. Louis had agreed to reward Alex with a toy for his good work. They walked through the aisle and aisle of toys, stopping ever so frequently for the children to play with display sets.
Jessica had caught Louis glancing at her with questioning looks. She knew he was curious about what had happened in school. She was not prepared to answer his questions. She avoided any private moments with him by keeping close to the children.
He had also noticed that she was avoiding him. He could sense that she was hiding her real emotions behind her cheerfulness in front of the children. He was determined to find out what had happened.
Louis got into another argument with Alex over which toy to buy. Louis had wanted Alex to pick a Lego or Hot wheels set, but Alex had insisted on an outdoor toy – a bicycle to be exact.
“You said that I can choose any toy I like!” Alex said to Louis while looking at Jessica for help.
“You did say so.” she said to Louis giving him a helpless look. She then turned to Alex, “You can have the bicycle but you cannot ride it in the apartment and you cannot demand that we bring you out to cycle. We will bring you cycling when we are free. Lastly, no cycling on the roads. Promise?”
“YES!” Alex said and held out his pinkie to Jessica eagerly. She hooked hers over his and gave it a little shake. Louis shook his head at the side.
“Louis, please help him choose.” she said quickly to Louis when Alex ran off to the racks of bicycles.
Jessica then squatted to Ashley’s level and asked her, “Do you want one too, Ashley?”
“Yes.” Ashley answered softly.
She held Ashley’s hand and led her to the rows of tricycles on display. She took one tricycle after another for Ashley to try on. She wanted to make sure the height was just right for Ashley and that it would be adjustable to accommodate her as she grew up. They finally settled on a pink tricycle with a removable push-handle, which Jessica could use to help Ashley before she could ride on her own.
“Are you guys done?” Jessica called out to Louis and Alex.
“Yes!” Both of them answered quickly in unison. They had chosen something which they knew that Jessica would object. The bicycle had a motor on it, which meant that it could go very fast. They were excited over it.
Jessica picked up a helmet, knee pads and elbow pads for Alex as they headed towards the cashier.
They had their dinner and their weekly grocery-shopping.
Louis had helped to carry the groceries into Jessica’s apartment but she quickly got him to leave stating that it was late and the children were tired. Both of them had known each other’s thoughts.
He brought the children home reluctantly.
When the kids were finally asleep, Louis sat on his sofa. He was worried about Jessica. He could feel something was amiss with her.
“Sorrow can be alleviated by a good sleep, a bath and a glass of wine.” He recalled the saying. He picked up a bottle of red wine and went over to her apartment.
He arrived at her door. He hesitated. He finally knocked on the door.
“I know what you want to ask but I don’t feel like talking about it.” Jessica said to Louis immediately when she opened the door.
He saw her red eyes. He did not utter another word. He wanted to hug her, to comfort her.
“Sorry.” she said and closed the door.
Coming Home
© Ak 2007
Chapter 3
“So we decided to get married.” Louis continued his story with a shook of his head. “We added another mistake to a mistake.”
“Things went quite well at first. We were living with my parents. Tavia was pregnant so we put up with her tantrums thinking that they were caused by her hormones changes.”
“When Alex was just born, her behaviour did change for the better. She tried to be a good mother to him. However, she soon returned to her old ways and continued to throw her tantrums. Things got worse when she started to quarrel with my mum on how to look after Alex. I was caught in between them.”
“So we moved out to live on our own. But she could not handle Alex on her own. She wanted him as a play-mate, but he was also a baby who needed to be cared for. There was once she just left Alex at home and went out of the house when she could not stop and stand his crying. Luckily, she called me and I quickly sent my mum over.”
“Then my mum started coming over to help out again. But the whole argument tournament restarted too. Tavia was constantly calling me during office hours to complain about my mum, Alex and almost everything.” Louis let out his frustration. “I could not concentrate at work and I had to rush home frequently to handle the home crises.”
“I could not keep up with work. I could not put in the extra hours that all other associates were putting in. Soon, I descended from a high-flying lawyer to one who handled minor cases and contracts. There was no more court case for me.”
“My peers are all doing well, except me.” Louis added with a punch of resentment and paused. He looked up at Jessica.
She noticed his anger, frustration and resentment. She asked softly, “Did you resent Alex for what happened to your life and career?”
“No. Never.” Louis answered quickly without a second thought. “I remember the first time I cast my eyes on Alex. I was so proud to be a father.”
“I wanted to the world’s greatest dad to him. He used to adore me. I was his hero. I really don’t know how we ended up the way we are now.” Louis said helplessly. Jessica caught him in a faraway look. He must be thinking of the happier times he had with Alex. She left him to his reverie. She sat quietly next to him. He could feel her warmth and care, and it comforted him.
Louis broke out of his reverie and looked at Jessica. She knew that this was not the time to dispense parenting advice. That could wait for another time. She gave him a little reassuring smile.
“What about Ashley?” she asked.
Louis placed his bowl on the coffee table. He drew in a deep breathe and let out a long sigh. “As if we did not have enough problems, I was idiotic enough to think that maybe Tavia would be more mature if we have a second child.” He shook his head in resignation.
“After all, she did turn for the better when we first had Alex and I wanted to experience the same pride that I once felt again.”
“She just wanted Ashley as her human-size doll. She enjoyed dressing Ashley up. But she wasn’t prepared to go through the whole baby-caring process again. Alex was almost four when Ashley was born. He was attending playschool and he could tell us what he wanted. Tavia was enjoying the little freedom she started to have and she really disliked the fact that Ashley was causing her to lose that freedom again.”
He recalled the times Tavia would say nasty things to Ashley thinking that she was too young to understand. How could he ever forget how Ashley became so quiet and timid! Tavia had screamed at the top of her voice at Ashley telling her to shut up. Even if Ashley may not understood the words “shut up” at the age of almost two, she could feel the anger and threat from her mother. He remembered Ashley staring blankly at Tavia and trembling. She was looking at him for help but he was too engrossed with getting back at Tavia to attend to Ashley. How he regretted his action, for Ashley was never the same again. She had really shut up. Her words were few and her only comfort and security was Alex.
Jessica saw the muscles at Louis’ temples and jaw tightened. He was angry. She did not understand it fully. Although he was angry with Tavia, he did not feel that there was a need to tell Jessica the details of what Tavia had done. A moment of silence came over them.
Jessica shifted slightly in her seat and asked him hesitantly, “Where is Tavia?”
“She left.” Louis simply stated. Jessica thought that was it and she about to reach for his bowl on the table when he continued. “Once Ashley was old enough to put in the childcare centre, she sent her there immediately. Then, she started working and she came back later and later until one day she did not return at all. She just left me a message to pick them up from the childcare centre after work that day.”
Tavia was supposed to have found a job as a receptionist. Initially, she would pick the kids up after work. Soon, she got Louis to pick them up. Her working hours became longer and longer, and they eventually became irregular. Her dressing had also progressively become more and more provocative. He could still recall some of the heated arguments they had over these.
“Did you tell her to leave?” Jessica questioned, as she remembered Alex accusing Louis for making Tavia went away.
“Perhaps I did when we were quarrelling but I don’t think that what I said to her ever mattered to her.” Louis replied resignedly. Tavia had just left. She did not give any reason or notice.
“You have been looking after them on your own since she left?” Jessica probed a little.
“Yes, I send them to the childcare centre early in the morning before I go to work and I pick them up after work.” Louis replied wearily.
This explained what she saw this morning. She said sympathetically to him, “It must have been tough on you.”
“Unfortunately, I think it was tougher for them. My work sometimes held me up and I was late in picking them up. Ashley always thought that I would abandon them and Alex would shout at me when I showed up late.” Louis replied dejectedly and guiltily with another sigh. How could he not felt bad when he saw his children waiting in the dimly lighted centre which was ready to close for the day? They were standing behind those gates with their hands gripping tightly at the bars, in fear that he would not come for them.
“Where are your parents?” she asked.
“Shortly after Ashley was born, my parents had moved to Australia to live with my sister. She also had a new-born baby then. I guessed the truth was that they could not stand Tavia anymore and I was too much of a disappointment to them.” Louis answered grimly.
He used to be his parents’ pride. He had always topped his cohort in his studies and sports. He studied law in a prestigious university and got his first job in one of the largest law firms. He won the very first case which he was assigned to. He was promoted every year.
“If only I have not been so conceited and impetuous when I was younger.” He said with a drain and rubbed his face with one of his palms tiredly. “I must be thinking with my dick.” He added with a mocking laugh at himself.
“Age does not necessarily mean that you’re wiser.” Jessica stated quietly. Louis could sense there was more meaning to her words, but he just kept quiet.
He may look younger than his actual age but the weariness in his spirit and soul could not be missed by her. She slowly extended her hands of friendship and clasped them over his. A deep and strong bond was formed between them with this connection.
Jessica looked at Louis and said, “Call me when you need help in picking the children up.” She did not know why she said that but it was too late to take her words back for Louis was gazing at her with such gratefulness. She finally saw a little smile on Louis’ face.
“Thanks so much for your offer, Jessica.” He said in a lighter tone.
Jessica was uncomfortable how close she had become with the Koos in just a couple of days. She had not expected it. However, there was no way she could walk away from them, not after what they had shared with her. She cared about the kids. “Perhaps this is for me to find my redemption.” she thought to herself as laid on her bed and drifted to sleep.
Louis was surprised how much he had told Jessica. He could not explain why he had felt so at ease with her to tell her what he had kept to himself for years. Was it her helpfulness? Was it because she could handle Alex? Or, was it as simple as the relaxing lavender scent from her?
After so many years, Louis could finally put aside his anger and the weariness in his heart as he went to bed. He was still physically very tired but the invisible weight of pretending that his world was working when it was not had been lifted. He had finally come to terms with his mistakes.
He slept peacefully that night. He could rebuild his relationship with his children the next day.
There were bright lights. She was lying flat. She could not get up. Her hips were wide open and she could not close them. Then, a sense of emptiness flooded over her.
Jessica jerked up from her bed. Her face was covered with perspiration and tears. She was having the same nightmare. The same dream that haunted her for almost a year. Her hands moved over her lower abdomen where her womb would be. She drew her knees close to her and hugged them. She buried her head on them and cried, like the numerous times she had done before.
The guilt and terror of the abortion had never left her. She still felt the sense of emptiness when they had sucked the foetus from her womb. She closed her eyes in pain. She had been convincing herself that was the right thing to do but she could not get over the guilt. She had a living being in her body, depending on her for food and survival, and within minutes the being was removed from her – forever and irreversible. When did one human being has so much right over another human being’s right to live?
If Louis had made mistakes in his life, she felt that she had committed worse. She no longer had feelings for the man who impregnated her. All feelings had been overridden when she removed the baby from her womb. She had only guilt and remorse now. Perhaps Alex and Ashley were sent into her life to allow her to atone for her sins.
She tried in vain to return to sleep. After hours of flipping in her bed, she took out the bottle of sleeping pills from her bed-side drawer and sought rest from it.
Just two days after her conversation with Louis, she received a call on her mobile phone.
“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to abuse your offer but I really have a meeting this evening and I’ll be late. Can you please pick Alex and Ashley up for me?” Louis tried to explain over the line.
Jessica could hear his desperateness, and she replied evenly to him, “It’s okay. I’ll pick them up for you. Just give me the address and pick-up time. I think you need to call the centre to inform them that I will be picking them up too.” She even gave a smile.
Louis expressed his heartfelt thanks repeatedly and gave her the address and time.
After she had put down her phone, she went into her kitchen and opened her refrigerator’s door. She surveyed for what were available. She began to pull out the ingredients. Then, she dragged out her pots and pans from the kitchen cabinets.
That night Louis returned home slightly past 10pm. He looked as if he had rushed home. His hair was ruffled and his tie was half-loosen. He was expecting the kids to be still up and creating havoc. He was surprised to see Jessica sitting on the sofa watching the news on the television alone when he entered his apartment.
“Where are Alex and Ashley?” he asked immediately.
“They are asleep.” she replied with a smile.
“They didn’t protest that it is too early to sleep?” he asked in astonishment.
“Not if I spent almost an hour reading to them.” she answered with a soft laugh when she saw his bewilderment.
“Do you want a bowl of soup? We still have some left.” she stood up and asked.
“You even have time to cook?” he asked in astonishment.
“Of course, if I started preparing it after putting down the phone.” She walked into the kitchen and returned with a bowl of soup. She placed it on the dining table and got ready to leave the apartment.
“Let me walk you back.” Louis said.
Although their apartments were just steps away from each other, Louis had insisted on walking Jessica back.
“Thanks for your help today.” he said to her when they reached her door.
Just before she entered her apartment, she said to him, “You did the right thing today. It is better to admit that you will be late and make alternative arrangement than for you to be late without telling them beforehand.”
Louis knew she was referring to Alex and Ashley. He gave an awkward smile and instead he received an assuring one.
“By the way, why don’t you and the kids come over for dinner from now on?” she asked ever so casually, but she could see that Louis was not very at ease with the idea.
“You can’t feed them with fast-food, instant noodles and micro-wave meals everyday. They are growing kids and they need proper nutrition.” she reasoned with him.
“That would be imposing too much on you.” he replied hesitantly.
“You can don’t eat the food if you want. But at least let me cook for the kids.” she argued with him.
“I won’t let myself starved while I allow you to feed them with your delicious cooking.” he finally let out a laugh. He had suddenly remembered their first argument and how they had first met.
She was surprised by his laugh. “Why are you laughing?”
“I realised I’m fighting less with Alex these days because I have to fight with you instead.” And, he laughed harder.
They laughed together. “Don’t you think you are going to get away free. You have to drive me for grocery shopping every week and carry the purchases.” Jessica added.
“I won’t. I’ll even pay for the groceries.” he replied with a chuckle.
“Of course, you will pay for them. I bet you are still getting a better deal. The fresh food could be cheaper than the instant food.” she stated to him.
“Since when you have become a market surveyor as well?” he teased her. It surprised both of them how much their friendship had grown in just a few days.
“Do you know that you are too kind and trusting? You could be easily taken advantage of.” he said to her gently and gazed at her.
“Yes, I was too trusting then. Am I making the same mistake again?” she asked herself.
“Hey, I’m praising you. Why do you look so lost? Are you okay?” he asked with concern. He recognised that she had a tendency of withdrawing herself temporarily from time to time.
She broke away from her thoughts and gave her eyes a blink. “I’m fine. Thanks for seeing me home. See you tomorrow for dinner.” She closed the door softly and leaned against it for a while.
He stood outside her door. He could feel that she was troubled. He was baffled how openly Jessica had accepted him and his children, yet she had kept so much to herself. In fact, he had known nothing much about her. He wondered if he would ever get to know that part of her, especially after how much he had opened up to her.
He returned to his own apartment and sat at the dining table. As he took sips of the warm chicken soup, his heart felt warm too. The soup was simple but it had been years since he had a home-made soup after his mother left for Australia.
